Baywatch (2017)

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, Priyanka Chopra, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Hannibal Buress, Ron Huebel, and Oscar Nunez, with small roles from David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson, and Logan Paul
Grade: B-

It’s said that Mitch Buchannon has 500 career saves. Does every lifeguard crew characterize saving a person’s life in baseball terminology?

Summary

In Emerald Bay, Florida, we see on-duty lifeguard Lt. Mitch Buchannon (Johnson) save someone from almost drowning after a head injury from a crash in the water. This is a regular occurrence for Mitch who’s locally famous because of his heroic exploits. After messing with cop Sgt. Garner Ellerbee (Abdul-Mateen II), we see him greet the citizens of the area around the beach. Almost all of them have a story about how he’s saved them or someone they know. Observing him from a distance is the wealthy and mysterious Victoria Leeds (Chopra). Some kid finds a bag of the drug flakka that washed up on the shore, and Mitch confiscates it. Afterwards, he settles an argument with Victoria’s security guard that wouldn’t let two surfers on the private side of the beach. Mitch tells them they can and then dares the security guard to do something about it, but Victoria comes out to tell the guy to calm down as she introduces herself to Mitch. She’s the newest owner of the Huntley Club, a club on the beach attended by the more powerful citizens in the area. She’s very friendly with Mitch who reciprocates.

Testing out their drone’s image stabilization on the beach is Dave (Buress) and Ronnie (Jon Bass). Dave works at the Huntley Club and wonders why they had to come to the beach to test things, but Ronnie’s obvious infatuation with lifeguard C.J. Parker (Kelly Rohrbach) makes things clear. She comes over and greets them because she knows Ronnie is trying out for the Baywatch team, but a lovestruck Ronnie can’t get a word out. Elsewhere by the beach, Matt Brody (Efron) pulls up on a motorcycle and immediately tries hitting on Summer (Daddario) who has zero interest. At signups, Ronnie is there. Some other guy (Paul) is kicked out of line by lifeguard Steph (Ilfenesh Hadera) when he makes fun of Ronnie’s hairy nipples when Ronnie is asked to take his shirt off. All the members of Baywatch know Ronnie because it’s his third time trying out, so they’re cool with him.

After Brody and Summer engage in some teasing since Summer is there to sign up for tryouts as well, Brody meets Mitch and tells him he’s not there to tryout. He has permission from a third party to join right off the bat, but Mitch refuses to let him join without a tryout, even though Brody has the world record in the 200 meter and two Olympic gold medals. Mitch and Steph then give him shit despite his accomplishments, but Brody doesn’t give an inch either. He tells them “someone else” wants him to be there, so until then, he’ll be waiting by the beach. He even gives Mitch a light slap on the face before walking away. Ronnie and Dave discuss Ronnie’s excitement about tryouts but when C.J. runs by, Ronnie starts to choke on the food he was eating. She comes over and saves him but since he got a boner from it, he tries to hide it by jumping forward onto a chair. Sadly, he gets his dick and balls stuck in it. To further the embarrassment, Mitch and C.J. have to help Ronnie out. After a crowd of people watch, Ronnie is able to break the chair after a fall to save himself.

At the Emerald Bay Municipal Center, Mitch meets with Captain Thorpe (Huebel), and he shows Mitch a news report of the famous Matt Brody. There, we see he’s a selfish swimmer that has done awesome for himself but screwed up the relay because it involved the rest of the team (and because he was partying beforehand in Rio and threw up in the pool when it was his turn). He’s reckless and insubordinate. Mitch doesn’t want him, but Thorpe says they’re lucky they got him because it was part of Brody’s plea deal. It’s part of his community service and would be a great PR thing for Baywatch. City council has cut their funding again, so they need something to reignite the flame. Mitch brings up how he found more flakka and how serious it may be that more dealers are lurking, but Thorpe reminds him that this is the police’s job, not Mitch’s. Mitch agrees to let Brody on the team, but he gets Thorpe to agree to have Brody go through tryouts. Meanwhile, Victoria meets with Councilman Rodriguez (Nunez). Rodriguez says most of the council have signed off on her terms. It may take a little bit more convincing to get everyone on her side though, so to ensure things will happen, Victoria gifts Rodriguez a watch. At the official tryout, Thorpe makes a speech beforehand. This is where we learn that the Baywatch team only accepts one recruit every year, but this year three spots are open. The course begins, but Brody doesn’t get involved until Mitch’s trash talk begins to light a fire under him. He makes a deal with Brody where if he beats him in a specific course, he’ll stop giving him shit and will call him by his real name instead of his non-stop insults.

Brody takes him up on the deal but loses, with Mitch pointing out that he lost because of his showboating and refusal to conserve his energy.

The two are interrupted by a woman and her two kids falling off a pier into the ocean, so the Baywatch team goes into action to save them. Seeing he has to prove himself, Brody beats them there and saves the woman, but the rest of the team save the kids. He tries to give CPR to the one kid, but C.J. stops him because she sees the kid’s airwaves are blocked, saving him by pulling out seaweed from his throat. Brody is in shock. Later, they announce that Summer, Brody, and Ronnie make the team.

Ronnie made it because of his “no quit” attitude apparently.

After Mitch congratulates Summer and Ronnie, he goes over to Brody and lays down the law, telling him how he was wrong and how he needs to change. Brody knows his spot is safe, but he agrees to Mitch’s terms, even though his attitude hasn’t changed. Before they leave, Victoria invites them for an open house party at the Huntley Club after giving Brody props for his save. That night, Brody is chilling under the pier because he doesn’t have a place to stay, so C.J. offers to let him stay at “her” place. Brody accepts the offer, but she leaves him at the door because she “forgot something”. She tells Brody to knock but when he does, Mitch answers the door. It’s actually Mitch’s house, but he’s nice enough to still let Brody stay.

The training of the new recruits has begun, and they’re all getting off to mixed results. At the same time, we see Councilman Rodriguez has finally gotten the rest of the council to agree to Victoria’s real estate proposals. However, some property owners won’t give approval, but he ensures he’s working on it. For Victoria, this is unacceptable. She sends over her henchman, but Rodriguez stops everything by saying he knows she deals flakka which will drive down real estate prices in the bay area. So, if anything happens to him, he promises to expose her. Unphased, she orders her henchman to kill him. At the same time, we see Mitch and Brody discuss Brody’s approach with women after Mitch notices him looking at Summer. They are interrupted by a distress call about a boat being on fire in the ocean. They all go out and Mitch saves two women, but Brody disobeys a direct order trying to do more to help and almost drowns because of it. On top of that, we see Councilman Rodriguez was on this boat too but didn’t make it. Obviously, we know he was killed by Victoria’s men, unbeknownst to the Baywatch team and everyone else. When questioning one of the survivors, Mitch notices the bag of flakka attached to the hip of her bathing suit.

This drug problem in the bay is getting serious, and the problems Mitch is having with Brody aren’t making things any easier. Either way, something has to give as the Baywatch team takes on the threat of Victoria who has more people in her back pocket than they realize.

My Thoughts:

Baywatch is funny, and it has good replay value. The cast is young and fun, the mixture of action and comedy delights, and landscapes are just as beautiful as the people involved. There are a lot of elements at play that make the film passable entertainment and when you compare it to other films based on past television shows, it may be one of the better ones. This is mostly by default though because if you look at the track record of those movies, there’s not a whole lot of “good” in the bunch.

I will let the fans of the television show know however, this is an R-rated take on the franchise much like 21 Jump Street and CHiPs. If you think you’re getting something similar to the show, you’d be sadly mistaken. Keep that in mind before you watch.

With that being said, the problems with Baywatch stems from Dwayne Johnson’s role as Mitch Buchannon. It felt as if The Rock wrote this script himself. Either that or the writers are obsessed with making him look better than anyone. Like Vin Diesel, Johnson used to be cool and all, but his characterization in a slew of his most recent movies have made me absolutely dread a movie with him in it. It all goes right to his inability to look vulnerable at any time. In action movies, you can get a pass here and there because we know what we’re getting. It can still be annoying depending on the actor, but it’s okay because we know the formula of how the action movie/action hero works. For a film like this however, the main character needs to have some sort of vulnerability for us to get behind him. This is a very simple rule to follow in making a likable protagonist. According to The Rock though, you apparently don’t have to follow this rule ever! Mitch Buchannon doesn’t have a single thing wrong with him. The only bad thing that happens to him is him getting fired at one point, but the only reason this happens is because he went above and beyond the call of duty to stop the villain. It’s as if he has something in his contract that says he can’t look bad, and it’s starting to get obnoxious because it’s affecting the story.

Keep in mind, this statement is not out of the realm of possibility considering he does have a contract where he can’t lose fights in his movies, a contract fellow clowns Vin Diesel and Jason Statham have. Honestly, I’m surprised Mark Wahlberg doesn’t have this too, but I digress. 

To make a good hero that you can get behind, you need him to show some weaknesses, otherwise you know he’s going to win. What we got from Baywatch is that Mitch is too perfect for this and that’s why he’s so detestable in this film. Everything that happens seems to feed his ego.

Every character metaphorically sucks him off, and it’s outrageous.

Case in point: There’s a scene in the beginning where this dude is building a shrine to Mitch (sandcastle statue but still), and Mitch reminds him to make his dick bigger and the dude happily complies.

Why?

Why can he do no wrong? At some points in the movie, it’s as if Johnson is still trying to play up his family friendly image, but it doesn’t make sense in a movie like this. It’s “Rated-R” for a reason and the characters need to match that energy. The way it plays out though, it’s as if Mitch is in a PG-13 movie and everyone else is in an R-rated one. If this was PG-13, and the cussing was cut down, it may have worked for what he was trying to go for. However, the screenplay didn’t decide where it wanted to go, and the movie failed on many fronts because of it.

This type of undefeatable hero could work if it’s played off as an ironic joke too, but it’s not. He’s looked at as right in EVERY situation, and he teaches anyone who disagrees with him a lesson in humility. The irony in this is incredible! The film in general teases the line of parody, ironic comedy, and a reimagining but never decides what it wants to be, failing on all fronts because its refusal to lean hard enough into one direction. In terms of an action comedy, the action is placed where it’s needed, but it’s nothing more than decent and predictable. As I said, it’s “passable entertainment” but nothing more.

The positive of Johnson’s irritating portrayal of Mitch is that it makes Zac Efron’s Matt Brody that much more likable. The ridiculously cut and chiseled Efron steals the movie. He’s the reason Baywatch managed to hit the “B-” grade. He’s very funny in the film, especially because he’s the only person who acknowledges the ridiculousness of what the Baywatch crew does. He’s the only one that realizes the reality of the situations they’re in. In fact, he does it so well that I started to hate everyone else’s unreasonable attitude towards him, even though his character is the one that’s supposed to be learning the lesson. He asks the questions any normal person would. For instance, why they don’t just let the cops deal with the crimes since it’s not in their job description to go to the lengths that Mitch wants. Mitch and the Baywatch crew then respond with some asinine, prideful American, bullshit speech to try and make Brody look like a dick with no morals. It doesn’t come off the way they intended though. We know Brody’s a douche, but his questions are warranted, and their answers aren’t good enough. It doesn’t legally justify why the Baywatch crew go that far. It only makes them seem even cornier and Brody cooler.

Yes, the legal system may suck because they can’t act quick enough, but it’s the fucking law Mitch! Deal with it! Either become a cop or shut the fuck up!

As the film progresses and the crew (shocker) gets into more trouble following Mitch’s push into detective work, Brody looks even more right than before. Then, the Baywatch crew is for some reason shocked as to why they got in trouble because they’re “doing the right thing”. Guys, we have laws in this country. You realize your actions are bordering on vigilantism? I’m sorry, Brody is right, and everything the high and mighty Baywatch team talks about comes off as nothing more than ignorant and unreasonable. It’s as if Brody can do literally everything right and still be talked down to because of his known reputation, despite him saying things that are objectively true the entire time. It wasn’t the intention of the screenwriter to make Brody look this good, despite being the person that had to “learn”, and the Baywatch crew looking like this bunch of ignorant assholes following a blind “my way or the highway” leader that can’t be wrong, but it definitely comes across as such.

They try to tell Brody about these crazy situations that would happen on the beach and why they have to act, and Brody hits them with, “Everything you’re saying sounds like a really entertaining but far-fetched TV show”. It’s a great line that’s a callback to the over-the-top TV show this whole thing is based on, but since these characters are taking themselves so seriously, he’s supposed to sound like the bad guy here.

Sorry, but he’s right.

A majority of the movie is everyone giving Brody shit for being the maverick of the group despite his immense talent as a swimmer. As I said before, most of their hate is unwarranted. When Mitch gets rightfully fired for doing things that aren’t his job, Brody gets promoted to Mitch’s job by Thorpe, and the Baywatch team gets pissed off he accepts. First of all, it’s very clear to the viewer Brody is in a position where he has to accept the job. He’s there for his community service deal. He can’t get fired. If he gets a promotion and it’s the boss’s decision, everyone else on the team can eat shit as far as I’m concerned. The scene in which the Baywatch crew yell at him for accepting the job is easily the most frustrating scene in the entire movie. No one acknowledges that Brody was vehemently against the decision, despite Mitch being there to see it. However, when the team confronts Brody and berates his decision, Mitch doesn’t back him up when Brody stuck up for him. Are you kidding me? You can’t sit there and tell me Brody is in the wrong! Why doesn’t Mitch stand up and say, “Hey guys. Don’t get mad at Brody. He stood up for me, and he can’t say “no” because he’s here for community service. Give him a break”. No, Mitch sat there and watched Steph lie and say she would have refused the job if it was offered to her (she’s 100% full of shit), and then encouraged them to continue on with their case that he just got fired for. This was infuriating! Why Brody is forced to face this uphill battle and prove himself to these assholes when he was in the right (again) is beyond me.

To further this, they go undercover at Victoria’s party and the mission is to find evidence of drugs. Brody admits that because of his experience as a screw-up party boy, he can find it easily, but they refuse to give him the responsibility and make him the lookout. So, even with a skill he has, and he goes out of his way to offer help, they still tell him he can’t? Why? Fuck these guys! I completely understand where he’s coming from in this situation. He offered to help, and they still didn’t give him an inch when he absolutely would’ve been able to help them in the situation. If you need any further evidence of Mitch being a glory hog and the rest of the crew being unreasonable dickheads, look no further than this scene. He shouldn’t have to redeem himself at all. If anything, the crew should’ve apologized to him by the end of the movie.

The plot is fairly generic when the drug shipments get involved, as is the villain, Victoria Leeds. She’s not given much to do that we haven’t seen from any other bad guy in an action comedy. Mostly, Priyanka Chopra uses this character to try out her best Salma Hayek impression but with none of the charisma or flare. The worst thing she does is kill Oscar from The Office and Hannibal Buress. So yeah, I guess she’s pretty evil. It wasn’t great, but it was good enough to get by.

There’s also this side story with chubby Ronnie Greenbaum who wants nothing more than to be a part of the Baywatch crew. Despite him being outclassed by literally everyone there in every conceivable way, Mitch signs him as a charity case, passing it off by saying he has more “heart” than anyone. He also, by the end, gets the hottest girl in the movie in C.J. Parker. Did this movie come out in 1985? There’s not a shot in hell this dude makes this Baywatch crew (considering how serious they take their standards), never mind get a fucking model as his girlfriend! I don’t buy it for a second! I don’t care if this is a comedy! It’s too unbelievable. Brody can literally do anything in the water, but they give him shit at every turn possible because he’s an asshole, but Ronnie’s chubby self gets a pass because he tries hard and fails?!

Sorry Rock, you’re a jackass and a hypocrite and so is everyone else on your crew! You’re telling me not one other person within those tryouts had “heart”? Yeah, fuck off. You felt bad for him.

One of the bullshit “tests” Brody has to go through is beat Mitch in a tryout course, but Mitch rigs it and makes the entire thing power-based workouts, so he could win easily. Plus, it was immediately after Brody already did one of the tryout courses and smashed it, so he was tired going into it. He then tells Brody he lost because he was showboating, passing the whole thing off as a lesson. What? Your job is 95% water-based activity and you think lifting two fridges shows that you’re better at your job than an Olympic swimmer? No, you rigged the whole fucking thing so you would look cool, and he still almost caught up to you after he already did an entire course!

Why don’t you go in the water Mitch? You know, because you’re a fucking lifeguard?! Oh, that’s right, Brody would’ve smoked you! I’m sorry, but fuck Johnson’s Mitch Buchannon. I’m actually mad thinking about this. He tells Thorpe that Brody is full of himself. Why doesn’t he look in the fucking mirror?!

For Baywatch fans, we do get small appearances by David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, but I wonder why they didn’t have bigger roles in the film.

What? Were they busy or something? That’s what I thought.

Also, Johnson’s catchphrases suck in this movie. They’re not funny or cheesy enough to illicit a laugh. They’re just there.

Again, Baywatch is pretty funny, and Zac Efron makes it as good as it is. Everything entertaining about the movie usually revolves around his actions and rapport with everyone in the cast. If you have any sort of logic in your brain whatsoever, he’ll become your favorite character, despite Dwayne Johnson’s magnetism that he uses to mask how annoying his Mitch Buchannon truly is. Where the movie fails are the predictable beats of the plot, the villain falling short with a very generic characterization, the Rock’s ego trip, and the flat-out unbelievability of the Ronnie character. It had potential and there’s a lot of fun to be had throughout the runtime, but a lot of these situations will frustrate the shit out of you at the same time.

Fun Fact: For Alexandra Daddario’s role, two notable names up for it were Nina Dobrev and Alexandra Shipp.