Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Mako, Max von Sydow, and Sven-Ole Thorsen
Grade: B+

I would genuinely be surprised if they said animals weren’t harmed in the making of this movie. Those horses were falling on the ground just as much as the bad guys in the action sequences.

Summary

We open with a quote from Frederich Nietzsche very accurately describing the journey of Conan.

“That which does not kills us makes us stronger”.

In a narration, a wizard (Mako) talks about the Hyborian Age, a time period between the fall of Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas. This is where Conan came to be, as his destiny was to eventually wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia. Through the credits, Conan’s blacksmith father (William Smith) forges a sword and a young Conan watches on. Eventually, we cut to Conan’s father telling him about Crom, their god. Crom lives in the Earth. Once giants lived in the Earth, they fooled Crom and took from him the “enigma of steel”. Crom was pissed and sent the elements after the giants until they jumped into the waters. During this timeframe, the gods forgot the secret of steel and left it on the battlefield. Those who found it were just men, and the secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. He urges Conan to learn its riddle, it’s discipline. Above all else, he stresses to Conan not to trust anyone, except for his sword. With this, he hands over the sword to the young Conan.

Sometime later, the village Conan and his family occupy go about their day, with Conan fishing on the outskirts. A band of raiders, with an emblem of dual snakes, scurry through the forest with intent, unbeknownst to the rest of the village. Conan is not alerted to this until he sees a weird-looking guy pop up on a boulder right before they roll through the place. Sensing trouble, Conan runs back to the village but tries to hide while doing so. He gets to his mother (Nadiuska) in time, and she protects him, but the rest of the village is destroyed and burned down. Everyone is murdered including Conan’s father, as he gets stabbed in the back with an axe and torn apart by dogs. Conan sees it all happen firsthand. Eventually, all who is left is Conan and his mother. The raiders stop after taking Conan’s father’s sword and they give it to their leader Thulsa Doom (Jones). Doom gets off his horse, takes off his helmet, and goes right up to Conan’s mother. Not a word is spoken between them, but they both have their swords ready. Turning for a moment, Doom turns straight back and slices off the head of Conan’s mother. Doom shares eye contact with Conan right after he does it and leaves. It was never known what the reasoning for Doom’s pillaging of their village was for. Following this, Conan and all the other children are taken as slaves. Then, Doom went South, and the children went with the Vanir to the North. From then and into his adult years, Conan (Schwarzenegger) worked nonstop as a slave and grew up knowing nothing else but manual labor, pushing the Wheel of Pain mill every single day.

As an adult, Conan’s impressive physique finds him sold as a fighter for gladiator-style matches in a stone pit with crowds all over coming to watch. With a new attitude of unflinching brutality and not caring at all about life or death, Conan kills every last opponent he is up against and is becoming quite the legend. After a while, he was taken to the East, which is considered to be a great prize. While there, the war masters would teach him the deepest secrets and fighting techniques involving swords and such. He was also taught writing, languages, poetry of Kitai, philosophy of Sung, and while he was in his cage studying, they’d send him captive women to have sex with. Evidently, they’d watch too, but the narrator glosses over that.

Anyway, what always remained was the discipline of steel, and Conan was getting better and better with his sword. Later, he is at some sort of dinner with his owner and many of his colleagues. There is a bit of an argument about what is best in life, so one guy asks Conan for his answer. The trained slave influenced by years of violence and savagery from his childhood years responds adamantly with, “Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women”. All the men cheer in agreement. One night, Conan is woken up from his sleep by his owner. For no reason at all, the man takes off Conan’s headband and frees him. Through the night, Conan runs to safety, narrowly escaping a wild pack of dogs before falling into a cave after climbing some giant boulders. He stays in this cave for a while, making a fire even. Eventually, he decides to explore it a little bit once he sees so many skulls all over the place. Grabbing a torch, he walks around and sees several skeletons on the walls of the cave and another sitting on a throne. Going up to it, Conan grabs the sword from the skeleton and bashes it off the ground a few times to clean up the glaze of stuff all over it. As he does this, the skeleton’s body starts to move a bit. The head droops down and his helmet falls off, with Conan just spouting, “Crom”. Following this, he exits the cave and breaks the last of his chains with his new sword before venturing out into the land. Soon after, he runs into a witch (Cassandra Gava) outside of her hut. She invites him in and talks about how “They said you would come. From the North, a man of great strength. A conqueror. A man who would someday be king by his own hand”. Once she talks about him crushing the “snakes of the Earth”, he interrupts to inquire further, as the snake emblem of Thulsa Doom is still ingrained in his head. She asks what he seeks, and he talks about the symbol of two snakes coming together facing each other that may be on a shield. She’s aware of it, but there is a price to be paid for it.

Of course, this is sex.

As they go at it, she moans things about Zamora, the crossroads of the world, and how he will find what he wants there. Then, things go dark, and the witch starts to turn into a hybrid monster and tries to kill Conan mid-pump, forcing him to throw her into the fire. Her body is burned, but her spirit blows some things in the room up and flies away. Clutching his sword, Conan says “Crom” to himself. The next morning, Conan exits the hut but is stopped by thief and archer Subotai (Gerry Lopez). The Hyrkanian of the Great Order of Kerlait is chained to the wall outside and asks for food to allow him to fight off the wolves once they come. Conan befriends him, and they share a meal together around sunset. Conan asks what gods he prays to, and Subotai prays to the Four Winds. Though Conan says he prays to Crom, he admits he doesn’t do it often because Crom doesn’t listen. When Subotai laughs this off, Conan interjects with how he will have to face Crom one day and will have to answer the question, “What is the riddle of steel?”. If he doesn’t know, Crom will cast him out of Valhalla and laugh at him. Subotai argues that his god is greater, so Conan laughs at him on Crom’s behalf. So, Subotai brings up how his god is the everlasting sky while Crom is underneath him, which prompts Conan to stare at him inquisitively as Subotai chuckles.

Conan and Subotai travel together and reach civilization in Zamora. Conan has never seen anything like it. They go through Zamora and Conan explores every bit of it, fascinated with how they live. Even so, the main goal of finding the origin of the snake symbol remains. One guy says all he knows of this snake are these “cursed towers” overlooking the city. Apparently, this snake group has spread all over the place. Two or three years ago, it was just another snake cult, but they are everywhere now. They are deceivers, and they murder people in the night. Changing the subject, the guy offers them Black Lotus, some type of drug or drink or something. So, they take it and go through the city at night intoxicated. They talk shit to people and Conan even knocks down a camel with one punch. All the nearby citizens watch them, so they run away. As the two walk, Subotai talks about how the snakes Conan is looking for lives in the tower of the serpent. In addition, it is said to have riches without end and the greatest jewel of all: The Eye of the Serpent. The two infiltrate the area near the snake towers and run into fellow thief Valeria (Sandahl Bergman). Once they realize none of them are guards, they form an alliance of sorts because they all have the same goal of stealing. They all climb the tower and get to the roof. On this roof is a giant hole leading directly through the building. One by one, they climb the rope going through the hole, with Valeria going first. She sees a ritual going on with many women in white ropes and candles approaching the High Priest Rexor (Ben Davidson) in the center of the room. He is Thulsa Doom’s second-in-command. Because of this, Valeria discreetly jumps to the side, trying to be as quiet as possible, with Conan and Subotai following. Valeria tells them about the High Priest and how Doom is said to be a thousand years old. She stays on that floor to see what’s available to take and sends Conan and Subotai to go to the bottom floor to check that out.

Valeria takes out one of the women during the ritual and wears the woman’s robe as a disguise to observe what’s going on. At the same time, Conan and Subotai get deep into this cave and find a large ruby on a stand. Conan takes it, but the sweat from his brow drips down on the snake guarding it and it wakes up. Just as the two are about to walk away without incident, Conan sees the snake symbol he’s been searching far and wide for right above the door. He takes it off the wall before turning to see the gigantic snake ready to attack him. Immediately, he plunges through its head with his sword and puts it in a chokehold. Once Subotai helps him by shooting the snake with several arrows, he hands Conan his sword, and Conan cuts the beast into pieces. As the two escape, the High Priest’s service ends with a topless woman jumping into the pit. Once she hits the ground though, she starts screaming at the giant snake cut up. Everyone starts to realize something is wrong, and they turn to see Conan and Subotai climbing up the rope to escape. They all run towards the hole, and Valeria stabs some guy and escapes by putting the rope around his neck, sending him down, and holding the other side of the rope to send her to the top. The High Priest demands all three be killed, as they reach the top. To escape, all three jump off the roof and into a pool below. Somewhere in the city, all three celebrate, with Conan and Valeria hitting it off in particular as they fondle their jewels (literally). Without saying a word, it leads to the two having sex that night. Later, Conan, Valeria, and Subotai party all night. By the time they are half awake, soldiers of King Osric (Sydow) the Usurper storm the place and arrest Conan and Valeria. Osric was once a powerful Northman, but he’s much older now and nowhere near what he once was.

They are brought to Osric who asks about the third person in their group. Valeria lies and says he was killed by lions, but right after she says it, Subotai is brought in and thrown down in front of them all. Moving along, Osric says Rexor has threatened him, a king, and he goes off about their arrogance to think they can steal from the towers. Then, he surprisingly gives them props for pulling it off. After this, he talks about the demigod Doom and how this snake cult is becoming too powerful, with these towers being erected everywhere. He respects how they were able to stand up to their gods by stealing directly from them. Next, he shows them a weapon known as the “Fangs of the Serpent”, adding that this one specifically was thrust into a father’s heart by his son. Currently, Osric’s daughter has fell under the spell of Doom as her slave, seeking the truth of her soul as if he couldn’t give it to her. He asks rhetorically if there is a dagger like this for his daughter to use on him. As they speak, Osric’s daughter travels East to Doom and his Mountain of Power. Pouring hundreds of jewels out of a chalice onto a plate, he wants the three to steal his daughter back. They can take everything they can carry. There’s a lot more of it where that came from too, enough to become kings themselves.

None of it matters anymore. He just wants his daughter back.

Privately, Valeria talks about how the evil Doom is a sorcerer who can summon demons and how his followers’ only purpose is to die in his service. Additionally, there are thousands of them. The tower in which he lives is also said to be impregnable. She thinks they should take what they have and leave, and Subotai agrees. Valeria has never had anyone in her life before and doesn’t want to lose it now, which is why she doesn’t want to go through with this mission. However, Conan holds up that snake symbol he stole from the towers. Now more than ever, he has a reason to finally get his revenge on Doom, and he’s not going to pass it up. The next morning, he treks out alone in search of Doom and the snake cult, and he will stop at nothing to kill him.

My Thoughts:

When the discussion comes to what movies are intrinsically associated with the 1980s, Conan the Barbarian and its sequel are two of them without question. Being the movie that solidified Arnold Schwarzenegger as a Hollywood star, Conan the Barbarian came out at a time when the sword-and-sorcery genre was seemingly at its peak, with so many bizarre, low-budget, and outrageously fun fantasy stories coming out of the decade. Admittedly, there were a slew of them that were poorly done or strangely acted, but they were always entertaining. Conan spinoff Red Sonja is a great example of this. The sword-and-sorcery genre is one that captures the imagination of anyone who watches because every filmmaker walking into these productions seems to have this attitude that anything can happen in this world they have created. In addition, there is something about the combination of sword fighting, altruistic heroism, bizarre world-building, over-the-top villains, magic, action hero antics, cool weaponry and costuming, and fantastical elements throughout that always makes for an entertaining experience. John Milius’s dark and violent franchise starter may not be as amazing as fans remember, but Conan the Barbarian is a badass epic that to this day is the prototypical example of its genre.

Nostalgia may have you forget, but Conan is not your typical “hero”, especially in this first film. The hero you are imagining is seen more in Conan the Destroyer, when the character is much more famous in his world and is looked at as a hero because of the events that happen here. Much like how the character was written by Robert E. Howard and subsequent works of L. Sprague de Camp and Lin Carter, Conan aligns with his label of “barbarian” accurately. He’s a savage and a thief who lives life day by day, surviving in any way he can. He steals anything he can get his hands on and has no problem cashing-in right after in celebration. Trusting no one, Conan is a wanderer with no direction and no backup plan, and he swings his Atlantean sword of destruction through anyone he considers his opponent. The primitive nature, the action, and the violence that goes with it are essential to who Conan is, which is why I love the brutality of the action sequences of this film. It’s not a super choreographed, athletic extravaganza that a lot of today’s action movies delve into. The action fits more in line with who Conan is and the time period he is existing in. It wouldn’t make sense for everyone to be fighting like Jason Statham or Jet Li or someone like that. Conan is a muscular brute existing in a time where martial arts didn’t even exist. You were a warrior because you could give and take punishment like no other. In those pit fighting sequences, some may see them as cheesy and overly violent, but it fits the barbaric nature of these characters. More than likely, this is how someone like Conan would fight in hand-to-hand combat. Guys his size, as well his opponents, aren’t going to rely on athleticism or try to outwit who is across from them. It’s all about who is bigger and badder. They’re going to squeeze, choke, and bash each other with brute strength and aggression like more intelligent cavemen. It works, as does the sword fighting sequences. Conan is not fencing like Robin Hood.

Though Conan learns the technique and does have some skill with a blade, his best and most violent moments coincide with him using the sword more like a sledgehammer bludgeoning evildoers. When he connects with a damaging blow on a bad guy, the sound effect is reminiscent of someone using a brick to hit someone, and it’s more devastating as a result. It’s designed to fit the barbaric nature and “angry” power that exists each time Conan picks up that heavy sword, forcing you to feel the blow as he performs it. The same goes when he swings an axe, even more so actually. I didn’t see the cheesiness with how these action sequences are laid out even in retrospect. The only time the “cheesy” label was really evident was when a ghost Valeria showed up during Conan’s fight with Rexor (“Do you wanna live forever?”). I get that they were trying to remind us how much she meant to him and how she somehow holds enough power to pull something like this off, but it wasn’t a moment of awe. It was just stupid. Regardless, Conan is a fucking savage. He never claims to be a hero for any kingdom or people. He’s only trying to stop Thulsa Doom and his snake cult because he was wronged by him. Had it never happened, Conan would probably stay a low-key criminal and become more of a mercenary at best. Those who haven’t seen the movie in years will probably be shocked in a re-watch because Conan is completely different from how you may remember him. He’s far from a traditional “white hat” protagonist. Though he believes in his god Crom, he is also losing his faith because of his circumstances, and you can’t necessarily blame him considering all the years he spent as a slave because of the killing of his family and when he was a gladiator forced to kill his opponent. Right before the big action sequence where him, Subotai, and Akiro set up their hideout to be a mini fortress as they await the snake cult’s arrival, he engages in a half-hearted prayer.

In barbaric fashion, he prays to Crom and asks for revenge finishing with, “If you do not listen, then to hell with you!”. Even right before a battle that cost him his life, he’s cursing his own god! This is the type of Conan we’re dealing with. This is a guy who manages to kill a vulture without using his hands while being crucified. Regardless of the vulture obviously being a puppet in that scene, do you realize how insane that is in-context? All Conan can do is rely on himself and whatever he picked up during his formative years that he spent as a slave. Some have been bothered by this new backstory for the character because Conan would refuse to be enslaved and usually fight his way through it no matter what, but this direction for the character only added to his development from a cinematic sense. It increases his legend and makes sense of his internalized ferocity rather than just calling him a warrior Cimmerian and giving all the credit to his people. There needs to be more to make sense of his angst, and John Milius and company do a great job of making sense of all his worst qualities that turn into his best qualities when faced with the journey that lies ahead.

What sets Conan the Barbarian apart from other sword-and-sorcery films is its set design and music. The budget was used in all the right places to make the extravagance of certain scenes feel like a huge moment. When the trio of Conan, Valeria, and Subotai infiltrate Doom’s kingdom (along with the caves with the red accent lighting when they sneak in through the back), and it’s combined with Basil Poledouris’s masterpiece “The Orgy” (his ancient music-sounding score was terrific in general), it feels like an event. You just want to observe the happenings of this kingdom, and the more you pay attention, the more hypnotic the music gets. Doom morphs into a giant snake and even his pet cheetah takes a double take at him while watching, there is a guard mixing together body parts in a large cauldron, and in the middle is all the guests of his cult fucking. It’s so eerie and bizarre, but yet you can’t look away because of how well everything is designed and directed by John Milius. There is this sense of anxiousness felt, and it reminds the audience how frightening this mission is and how badass these warriors are for even attempting it. Going along with the production design, the temple in which Doom does his speeches from where he’s surrounded by hundreds of extras in white robes was magnificent. It just intensifies the uphill battle Conan is facing. The costuming and character design was also great (with the exception being Rexor wearing a leather jacket in one scene that made him look like a member of Guns N’ Roses), but it reaches its zenith in the sequel.

As you know, every great hero needs a great villain, and Thulsa Doom is one of the best ever. Though the competition isn’t great in comparison to the other movies in the series, James Earl Jones’s Doom is the best villain of the Conan franchise by far. Utilizing his booming and unforgettable voice, Jones commands the attention of the viewer every time he enters a scene. His screen presence is unmatched here. Despite his prolific career in film, television, and theatre, his one-off role as Doom is something to behold. Never has he grabbed my attention more than in Conan the Barbarian. Maybe it’s the framing of his stare and his piercing blue eyes. Doom stares into the soul of characters and the audience, making direct eye contact with you as you watch and it’s bewitching to say the least. He doesn’t flinch, his expression is as straight as can be, and he doesn’t blink in that moment of time. Doom believes in every action or decision he decides in that juncture. It’s commanding and is fitting of a cult leader whose influence seems to stretch to hundreds and hundreds of devoted followers across many lands. James Earl Jones is completely committed in this leadership role and convinces the viewer without question that he believes in what he’s doing. Doom is not doing this for a secret motivation. He 100% believes in his mission statement and his push to control more and more under his authority. The weak-minded are attracted to his assured confidence, strength both mentally and as a fighter, and they are so devoted that they will commit suicide on command like in the scene when they initially capture Conan when he disguised himself as a follower of Doom. This series of scenes shows a lot about the unflinching personality of Thulsa Doom as well as his power, adding to his legend further. When he goes through his sermon, he asks vague questions to his followers like “Who among you still fears death? Who will not face emptiness?”.

This leads to a disguised Conan being caught once he’s recognized by Rexor from his sneaking into the towers previously. The power of Doom is never more evident than in the following scene, as Doom speaks to a beaten and battered Conan and calls him out for breaking into the towers and how Thorgrim (Thorson) is beside himself with grief because Conan killed the giant snake there, making it seem like Conan is the evil one. When Conan points out Doom’s hypocrisy since he killed Conan’s family and took his father’s sword, Doom doesn’t respond with excitement, shock, or disgust. He genuinely doesn’t remember the incident, presumably because he has slaughtered so many over his lifetime. Sighing, he passes it off as, “It must have been when I was younger”. His action motivated Conan’s entire life, but to Doom this was just a random day that meant absolutely nothing to him in the grand scheme of things. He just moves on to discuss the bigger picture and how he throws the entire idea of steel’s importance to the side, something Cimmerians take really seriously. At first, steel meant more to Doom than gold or jewels, but the evil sorcerer has come to the realization that flesh is stronger, basically telling Conan that his whole belief system is wrong. To prove his point, Doom points out a random girl standing on a huge ledge above them, and she jumps off and splatters over the ground, killing herself without questioning Doom’s logic for a second. This is the control of Doom, which makes Conan an even stronger adversary because he was willing to infiltrate this kingdom without any help, knowing that there are hundreds of people there willing to do whatever he says without question including KILLING THEMSELVES. Adding to his refusal to second guess himself, Doom doesn’t even look down at the girl who did it on his command. He just continues to pace and goes back to his speech to Conan by stating, “That is strength” before adding “What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?”.

Though Schwarzenegger’s performance isn’t strong enough to match coincide with it, you can’t help but think that the already pessimistic Conan maybe internalizing Doom’s words. Steel is strong, but everything that happens with it is because of the decisions by humanity. It is the flesh that is stronger because the human is deciding the action. Considering Conan’s belief in Crom isn’t that strong to begin with, a moment where he thinks to himself about this devastatingly true message would have been huge for our hero’s character development. Self-reflection during a quest for vengeance could be everything for a protagonist like this, but Conan is a bit barbaric in his thought process just as well as his fighting skills. When you think about it, it helps him more in a fight against an intellectually powerful sorcerer such as Doom. Had he internalized such feelings and really thought things through, there’s a chance he would have given up or become jaded enough that it could affect his goal. The power of Conan lies strictly in his thirst for revenge and nothing else. He will stop at nothing until he kills his enemy, or they kill him. Doom almost gives him too much credit, which is why his final attempt at influencing Conan falls on deaf ears when most heroes would hesitate and give Doom enough time to react. On the other hand, this is what is intriguing about Doom. Was he saying this to set Conan up to kill him, or did he actually believe in his audacious speech about how he’s his father in a way because he gave him the will to live, even going as far as to call Conan his son. Does he actually see this as a way to bring Conan into the fold? Before he crucifies Conan on the Tree of Woe, he talks about how his actions gave Conan the strength of his body and “The desire in your heart”. It was HE who has inspired Conan’s life motivations. Doom stays consistent with this belief even in his final moments, so it makes me think he really did want to influence Conan.

Doom could have used the moment’s hesitation to kill him, but he is that committed to what he’s doing. Because of this, it only makes Thulsa Doom that much more interesting as the villain. When his speech is on the verge of inciting war with statements like “Day of doom is here!” and “Burn you the way to paradise!”, his conviction and belief in whatever his unspecified ideology is, is unnerving and gloriously chilling. Does he look anything like the skull-faced villain as he was described in the literary works of the character? Not at all, but this is another one of those cases where the cinematic interpretation overcomes this hurdle because of how well the overall presentation is. An interesting factoid about Conan the Barbarian is what could have been regarding the casting, however. Apparently, Sean Connery was considered for the role of Doom, and John Huston was considered for the smaller role of King Osric. I have a few things to say about this. First, let it be known that letting James Earl Jones being able to add this role to his resume meant so much more for him than it would have for Connery or Huston, so things happened the way they should have. On the other hand, Connery going head-to-head against Arnold Schwarzenegger would have been insane in hindsight, especially for us fans of action hero cinema. Then again, as great as Connery is, I think Jones brought a certain level of insanity in his demeanor that I don’t think Connery could pull off. He would have taken the role in a completely different direction. The film would’ve made more money, but the tone wouldn’t have matched the savagery of what Jones brought to the table. Lastly, John Huston should’ve been more in consideration for Doom rather than Connery, with Connery being a much better fit for Osric if we’re being honest. Huston being this legendary figure within the Conan universe where people are flocking to his every word and he’s outwardly a devious and murderous individual fits Huston in a Chinatown-like way. In a parallel universe, this would have been interesting to see.

Much like a lot of action movies during the 1980s, a huge part of Conan‘s legacy is it being the peak of masculinity and stereotypes surrounding it. This isn’t a knock on the movie either. The badass imagery of skulls and snakes throughout, the subsequent killing of a gigantic monster snake, the physique of Schwarzenegger inspiring millions, refusing to cry because Conan is too tough for it even when the woman he loves dies, extremely violent fights, severed limbs and blood everywhere, and the glorification of revenge all fit the mold of what angsty teenagers and young adult males look up to. No matter what happens to the Conan universe in the future, it will always have a place at Comic-Con for this reason alone. There are also some amusing moments that only guys will laugh at like Conan punching a camel or him kicking rats into the air. Dude is an absolute menace, and it’s awesome. Also, Thulsa Doom using a snake as an arrow and shooting it off a bow at people is one of the coolest things a movie villain has ever done.

As much as I enjoyed watching the Conan franchise all the way through, there’s one constant I could never get emotionally invested in, but it’s such a crucial part to the character and his mythology. Of course, this is the “Riddle of Steel”. I’m not sure if this is on Schwarzenegger in regard to his performance, to the direction, or to the screenplay, but there is never enough to hook the audience into the Cimmerian belief of the importance of steel. Obviously, the entire story takes place in an archaic time period, which makes sense as to why this belief in the importance of swords is such an important part of the Cimmerian philosophy on life since these barbarians had so little, but it’s just not written well enough to have us believe in it in-context like we’re supposed to. There is a decent number of examples in Asian cinema where this plot point is done well, but they never solidify it in Conan the Barbarian or its subsequent sequels and spinoffs. They feed Schwarzenegger lines like how if he doesn’t understand the riddle of steel by the time he dies, his god Crom will toss him out of Valhalla. This should be a big deal, but the performance is never strong enough for us to be convinced. Going along with this, the biggest hit to Conan the Barbarian‘s legacy is the acting. When people talk about the cheesiness of certain movies of the 80s, Conan the Barbarian could be a prime example of this in regard to big budget films. With the exception of veterans of the screen like the aforementioned Jones and Max von Sydow, our main stars are noticeably off a step. It’s nowhere near as bad as Brigitte Nielsen in Red Sonja, but it becomes clear early on into the picture that we’re not dealing with the most experienced of actors. Schwarzenegger is still getting his reps in and is not given many lines for being the star, though this was probably a conscious decision as his charisma (and yelling when in fights or being tortured) does most of the work here. Unfortunately, he’s not flanked with more veteran help to prop him up.

Gerry Lopez is a champion surfer in real life, but he’s not a champion actor. That’s for sure. He does nothing but play the third wheel poorly and be a guy who can also fight, and Conan’s love interest that inspires him through two films is played by dancer Sandahl Bergman. Again, this is not an acting masterclass. Even the experienced Mako comes off as corny, though he’s even worse in Conan the Destroyer. The way Akiro is introduced into the movie is stupid. He tries to act proud with Conan and says Doom doesn’t even bother him out there, but why would he? Akiro lives in the fucking desert in a hut and does jack shit! Why would Doom waste time with some random wizard who isn’t a threat at all? He is proud to say he can summon demons, but he is close to being zero help when they are faced with legitimate threats. Even when he conjures up the spirits to help bring Conan back to life in a very cool sequence with animated demons trying to grab Conan’s body, this “powerful” wizard runs and hides in fear, forcing the two regular ass humans to fight them off! How does this make sense? Akiro crosses the line into the demonic on the daily with his use of sorcery but gets scared as soon as he faces it firsthand? Going back to Bergman’s Valeria, she matches with Schwarzenegger on paper because they both carry the warrior/thief label well (and they’re like the same size), but the chemistry is nowhere near what it should be, especially since their characters become each other’s motivation.

One thing that is usually a constant gripe in action movies is when the main character and the love interest become devoted to their short relationship in an instant and are willing to do anything for each other way too early into a story without getting to know each other at all. The reason I can give it a pass in Conan the Barbarian is because they are barbarians. They live fast, scrape by to survive, get in to trouble or situations that could involve their death daily, and they die young unless they are rulers or something. Conan and Valeria becoming attracted to each other quickly, having sex, and having this undying loyalty to each other does fit the lifestyle of a barbarian whose lifespan is relatively short. If the performances between them were to compliment this ideal though, it would have meant so much more, especially considering her death is supposed to drive Conan’s actions in Conan the Destroyer because there’s a chance they can bring his love back from the dead. Sadly, neither Schwarzenegger nor Bergman were up for the challenge. When they do try to make it a big deal, it comes off as extremely melodramatic (“Let me breathe my last breath into your mouth”).

Conan the Barbarian is imperfect to say the least, but it’s without a doubt iconic. When we see the bearded Conan years into the future sitting on his throne in one of the most celebrated epilogues of all time, you can’t help but feel like you were just witness to something legendary. Though I do like its sequel better, this feeling of watching something historic is only present in the first movie of the franchise. It’s a testament to John Milius’s direction, as the subsequent adventures within the Conan universe never matches up to this first entry in the series. It’s vicious, it’s disturbing, it’s bloody, and it sets the tone in the most 80s way possible. Basically, it’s barbaric.

Get it?

Fun Fact: Oliver Stone asked Ridley Scott to direct when they were having trouble finding a director, but he declined. The producers considered Sylvester Stallone, Charles Bronson, and William Smith for Conan. As previously mentioned, Sean Connery was considered for Thulsa Doom, as was John Huston for King Osric.