Red Sonja (1985)

Starring: Brigitte Nielsen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sven-Ole Thorson
Grade: D+

It kills me that we didn’t get Conan the Conqueror, but we got Red Sonja.

Summary

In the Hyborian Age, there lived a fierce, red-haired warrior named Red Sonja (Nielsen). It was a savage world and a time period of violence, and her quest for justice and vengeance became a legend.

“This is how the legend began.”

After seeing a burning building, Red Sonja is woken up by a spirit telling her that she will get her vengeance on Queen Gedren of Berkubane (Sandahl Bergman). It is described that Gedren wanted Sonja for herself, as we flashback to Gedren demanding her guards bring Sonja to her. When Sonja is brought close, she grabs a spear and slashes Gedren’s face with it. Because of this, Gedren ordered Sonja’s family to be murdered, and Sonja was raped by the soldiers. In the present, this spirit tells Sonja that en route to her quest for justice and vengeance, she will need great strength. Her sword arm must have no equal. With the tap of her own sword, the spirit grants Sonja the strength she needs. Now, Sonja is ready to begin her journey. At the same time, Lord Kalidor (Schwarzenegger) is journeying through the many hills and valleys on horseback.

In a temple of sorts, a priestess asks Varna (Janet Ågren), Sonja’s sister, where the Lord of Hyrkania is. She thinks he should be here for the destruction of the extremely powerful Talisman, a mystical green orb contained in a gold structure. Even so, they can’t delay things, so she decides to proceed without his presence. With soldiers around the Talisman pointing their swords towards it, the priestess begins the ceremony praying to the god of High Gods. Apparently, this god used the Talisman to create “the world and all things”. As she talks about destroying the Talisman before it destroys the world, a group of soldiers show up outside to disrupt the ceremony. Not knowing that the soldiers are scaling the building, she continues on about how they intend on putting the Talisman into eternal darkness to take away its power. She takes a scepter out of a stone, and two rocks come together to encase the Talisman. As this happens, the glowing green light coming from it slowly starts to fade. Just then, soldier Ikol (Ronald Lacey) from the outside sends a throwing star directly into her chest, killing her in front of everyone there. Then, the troops attack. They are led by Queen Gedren. Though the women of the temple do a solid job at fending them off at first, they are eventually overwhelmed. One of the soldiers also puts the scepter back into the stone to open the two rocks up, allowing for the Talisman to regain its power. As Varna hides behind a pillar after the fight comes to end, Gedren rides into the temple. Excited at the prospect of the Talisman being able to create worlds or destroy them by storm or earthquake, she has her soldiers lift it out of its holding place with a carrying mechanism. To test it, she orders one of her soldiers to touch the Talisman. When he does, he vanishes into thin air. Then, Gedren has one of her woman soldiers touch it, but she’s fine, confirming the legend that only women can touch the Talisman. They put a pyramid-shaped cover on it and take it out of the temple.

Next, Gedren orders all of the prisoners to be sent into the hole that the Talisman was covering. As they are thrown down the hole one by one, Varna escapes through a secret passageway and is followed. Before they all leave, Gedren takes the scepter out of the rock and drops it into the hole, forcing the two rocks to close together to trap all of the women inside the hole for good. Varna gets onto a zipline to reach the other side of a cliff, and Kalidor rides his horse over there once he sees the chase going on. About halfway through, Varna is struck by an arrow to the back by one of Gedren’s soldiers. Miraculously, she’s still able to hold onto the zipline until she reaches the other side, and Kalidor catches her and pulls out the arrow. Gedren’s soldiers attack, but Kalidor kills all of them. Varna tells Kalidor they must destroy the Talisman, how they must find her sister, and to take her with because she knows where she is.

Elsewhere, Sonja finalizes her fight training with The Grand Master by beating some guy in a sword fight. He declares she has nothing more to learn and he has never seen her equal. The fighter she beat tries to hug her, but she moves back, as she still doesn’t trust men after what happened to her. The Grand Master tries to explain how she needs to trust some men because they are not all evil, but she argues that they must judge based off of their own experiences. When he suggests this attitude could be her downfall, she says she doesn’t hate all men. Changing the subject, he takes Sonja to get a great new sword to match her abilities as his parting gift to her. She looks at the many in the blacksmith’s hut and is momentarily stopped once she hears a voice calling for her. As soon as she finally picks one up, Kalidor rides into the temple she’s been training at and asks for her by name. Once she introduces herself, Kalidor bluntly tells her that her sister is dying and that he’ll take Sonja to her. Immediately, Kalidor and Sonja go straight to Varna where she lies on her deathbed. She tells Sonja that the Talisman has been stolen, the priests were massacred, how the Talisman’s power grows in the light, and in 13 days, it could destroy the world. She makes Sonja swear that she will destroy the Talisman but is unable to tell her who did it because she didn’t know who Gedren was. At most, Varna just says it was a woman with a gold mask and soldiers, which admittedly would narrow it down. However, she’s not able to pinpoint a general direction for Sonja to follow before she dies.

When Kalidor tries to ground Sonja and talk about their mission, she doesn’t want him to be a part of it. They get to talking a bit, and Kalidor introduces himself and how he befriended Varna and Sonja in a way. Sonja thanks him for what he did and says he will be rewarded, but he’s not a mercenary and doesn’t want money. If he feels like someone owes him something, he just takes it. Later, Sonja burns Varna’s body in a respectful warrior funeral similar to how Conan did to Valeria in Conan the Barbarian. In the distance, a storm is brewing, so Sonja knows someone is using the Talisman. She asks Kalidor what city that storm is happening at, and it’s Hablock. Immediately, she gets on her horse to go to Hablock. Kalidor wants to go with her, but she is adamant that neither her nor this mission is his business. He tries to argue, but she insists she doesn’t need any man’s help. Soon after, Sonja travels to Hablock and finds the kingdom destroyed. There, the Lord of Hablock Prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes Jr.), who is an annoying kid, is stuck on the finger part of a statue of a giant hand. It’s leaning over into a pit of boiling mud and his servant Falkon (Paul L. Smith) is on the other side of the hand trying to figure out how to get Tarn to safety because the shifting of weight could cause Tarn to fall. Sonja steps in and shifts the hand over to allow Tarn to get onto safe ground but Falkon is now on the dangerous side of it. So, he has to climb back as Sonja holds the hand down. Since she saves both of them, they introduce themselves. Tarn is referred to as the “Keeper of the Spotless Throne”. She is rewarded with a gold coin, but she gives it back because she thinks Tarn needs it more than her. Changing the subject, Sonja asks Falkon what happened. He explains that it was Gedren, and it all makes sense now to Sonja. Falkon goes on about how Gedren has taken out half the city with her new weapon (the Talisman) and demanded their surrender. Tarn’s army ran away, but Tarn himself refuses to surrender. Because of this, Gedren knocked down the other half of the city.

Undeterred, Tarn tells Falkon to escort him to the mountains tomorrow, so he can raise a new army to defeat Gedren. Sonja asks where she can find her, and Falkon tells her she’s in Berkubane, the land of Eternal Night. Well, there are two ways. There’s the scenic way, and there’s the short way through Britex Toll Road. The latter being straight north from there. Naturally, Sonja chooses the short way. She starts to walk away when Tarn asks Falkon to ask Sonja to be a part of his army because they’ll need a cook. She sarcastically says he is too kind but assures him she travels alone. She gives Falkon advice to spank him before exiting. Upon getting to the mountain gate, she calls for Lord Brytag (Pat Roach) to open it, but he refuses until she comes up to talk to him, so she does despite time being of the essence. With the key to the gate around his neck, Brytag demands a tribute for her to pass through. He doesn’t want money either. She refuses this, calls him fat, and basically challenges him to a fight. Brytag mentions how he’s defeated exactly 177 men, and the only man who survived doesn’t have any legs. Not worried in the slightest, she asks if Brytag’s soldiers will let her go unharmed once she kills him. He laughs at her audacious comments and makes his soldiers agree to letting her go if she manages to do so. After a solid back and forth battle, she kills Brytag and takes his key. All the soldiers start to close in on her, but Kalidor appears out of nowhere and helps fight them off alongside Sonja. She’s able to unlock the gate to escape, but Kalidor insists she go without him, and he stays to fight them off to give her more time. He closes the gate and happily takes them all on. Sonja turns back for a second, watches him, and smiles.

Even so, she continues her trek to Gedren, as the Tailsman must be destroyed. Whether she likes it or not, she’ll need help too. After saving Tarn and Falkon again, this time from a random group of criminals in the forest, they join her on her journey to save the world and get her revenge.

My Thoughts:

Trying to bring a new star into the fold to capitalize off the success of Conan the Barbarian, spinoff Red Sonja attempts a similar formula in terms of acting, story, and direction. Unfortunately, Brigitte Nielsen is nowhere near the talent Arnold Schwarzenegger is, the action can’t make up for it, it’s bland overall, and the direction doesn’t mask any of the shortcomings of the production. With this being said, it’s not unwatchable per say. In fact, it still has some entertainment value due to the fantasy elements involved and the production design, a staple of the Conan franchise, is still impressive. Nonetheless, it is indeed the Robocop 3 of the Conan movies by far, meaning there is still fun to be had because of what it represents and some assorted elements and details but almost everything else falls short, emphatically securing its spot as the worst movie of the series without dispute.

Once again, the acting is a major problem, something that has been mentioned in previous reviews for Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer. Sadly, it is not made up for in other aspects like it was in those movies. In terms of acting, Red Sonja is an even further step back from the first Conan movie, and that’s saying something. Brigitte Nielsen is awful. She looks the part and can pull off some of the action sequences, but her performance is horrendous when she actually has to speak or convey any emotion. No one is saying Arnold Schwarzenegger is the standard for acting, but he looks like Robert De Niro in comparison to her. Even so, instead of trying to make things better to the best of his ability, he still reaches down to her level a few times to match the low-rent quality of the movie. Look no further than the scene in which Sonja’s sister Varna dies, a pretty massive plot development that leads to what happens in the rest of the movie. In a moment that makes you want to take director Richard Fleisher’s job and yell “Cut” yourself to have them redo it, each of the three involved looked as if they were trying to outdo each other in a battle of who could put on the worst performance. Model Janet Agren was about as hokey as can be on her deathbed as Varna, and the subsequent conversation immediately following her passing between Sonja and Schwarzenegger’s Lord Kalidor was unintentionally hilarious. Seconds after Varna dies in what should be an emotional scene, his blunt line delivery of “She’s dead” is sure to incite laughter from even the most serious of people. It’s like, “Yeah, thanks man. I didn’t realize until you said that, jackass”. Then, despite her sister dying in front of her and reminding her of this world-ending plot that she has to involve herself in, Sonja stops sobbing in an instant, looks at Kalidor, and asks, “Who are you anyway?”.

She even botches the final romantic conversation and kiss that should’ve sealed off the movie in the most cinematic way possible.

The acting coaches of Nielsen and Schwarzenegger must have shot each other during filming or something because there is no other explanation for how comical some of these scenes come off because of such stilted and wooden responses and line deliveries. Nielsen just doesn’t have chemistry with anyone and doesn’t have the charisma to carry her through the movie like Schwarzenegger always did even at his worst. It’s notably bad all-around too like during the fight sequence involving Gedren and Sonja. Before they really get into the sword fighting, Gedren magically disappears and reappears somewhere else in the room on account of her unseen chemist/potion-maker. Next, the chemist (possibly wizard) uses a knife and scratches something, giving Sonja inexplicable cuts on her body. With this seemingly foolproof strategy, Gedren could have won the fight with ease, but she gets cocky and instinctively looks over at the guy when Sonja didn’t even know he was in the room at first. Because it was SO FUCKING OBVIOUS that she looked directly at him when the direction should have stressed the word “SUBTLE”, Sonja sees this (because she in fact has eyes) and goes over and cuts the guy’s head off. What is this amateur hour? We’ve seen better acting in high school plays! The backstory given to Sonja is brutal. She’s been through hell. In the opening scenes, we see her family killed, she’s gang raped, and she grows up to turn into a warrior with no trust whatsoever of men or anyone else, and understandably so. Again, Nielsen fit the look of who Red Sonja needed to be, but the performance should have been that of a ferocious and cynical badass with a dark personality affected by years of trauma due to Queen Gedren’s actions. Nevertheless, when she is told the news that Gedren is behind all of this, her response is laughable.

Considering Gedren was the one who ordered her family to be killed and for her soldiers to rape her, you would think Sonja would be furious at this earth-shattering news, but Nielsen could be described as nothing more than slightly inconvenienced by the news. At least in the original Conan the Barbarian, Arnold Schwarzenegger could pull off the look of someone who has been through a lot and knows nothing but kill-or-be-killed. Though Red Sonja is written in a similar way, it was not directed in a serious manner, more aligning with Fleisher’s work on Conan the Destroyer and it doesn’t mix with the character’s backstory. Additionally, Nielsen came off as someone who didn’t take the job seriously at all, did no research on the part, and just thought she could skate by because she was acting alongside Schwarzenegger’s star power, something that still couldn’t save the film despite him being one of its pros. Ernie Reyes Jr.’s Prince Tarn plays the brat decently well (“Tell her I don’t care for hunting” – “He doesn’t care for hunting”), but he’s still a kid and it’s not a performance that will endear you. His character arc was decent (and I liked how he doesn’t fear Kalidor at all), but getting there was a challenge because of the character’s need to be problematic for no reason like wandering into deeper into a cave filling up with water just because he wanted to steal a big pearl. Sure, it led to the coolest sequence of the film, when the group of heroes faces off against the mechanical dragon “Killing Machine” in what had to have been a lot of fun to film for the actors, but the actions that led to it were completely avoidable and only existed so they could get to the action sequence. Once again, this is the doing of director Richard Fleischer, as it becomes clear that Fleischer did not pay attention whatsoever to the story-driven scenes and conversations between the characters and just seemed to focus on the action set pieces because the latter was the only thing that redeemed the movie as a whole.

Conan the Destroyer got away with it because the other elements involved weren’t that bad in comparison. In Red Sonja, the action sequences and set pieces involved are still good, but none of the other elements are passable, and that makes the difference.

The imagination and creativity are still there. Besides the actors and the director, everyone else seemed to do their job quite well to try to make something out of Red Sonja. The music and costuming were all very good (Kalidor’s attire was cool in particular, especially when he switches to the all-black look), as were the props, weapons, and the Talisman itself. Brytag’s soldiers’ armor was fun, and the design and layout of the Chamber of Lights was awesome. It’s this square alter with levels on the sides, and the entire room is filled to the brim with candles all around to intensify the power of the Talisman (since light makes the object stronger). It’s very eye-catching. The painted landscape of the Land of Perpetual Night where we see the separation between the light and dark was very memorable, as was the skeletal bridge Sonja, Tarn, and Falkon have to cross to get there. Admittedly, I’m a sucker for stuff like this because it’s fun to look at and inspires creativity with how its presented. You don’t even question the inconsistency of the name either, as Falkon calls it the Land of Eternal Night while Sonja calls it the Land of Perpetual Night. You just enjoy it for what it is. The infiltration of Gedren’s kingdom was still a lot of fun, as was the earthquake that starts to tear the place apart in the midst of the action. It complimented the heightened intensity of the third act greatly. Queen Gedren having a chemist on the payroll was a nice touch, but he was underutilized, as was her pet spider that was the size of a golden retriever. Why would you introduce the creepiest pet possible and not include it in any of the subsequent scenes to show off Gedren’s villainy? That seems like a wasted opportunity.

Choosing to play the villain, I commend Sandahl Bergman for attempting to give herself a challenge, as she was originally offered the role of Sonja but turned it down to play the antagonist instead. It was a ballsy decision, but I respect the confidence. Plus, it would have been confusing for fans of the series anyway since they keep reusing the same actors to play different roles throughout this trilogy with Pat Roach and the always reliable Sven-Ole Thorsen being brought back again to play random third tier bad guys. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger himself plays Kalidor instead of Conan, which ruins the movie’s potential even more. It’s too bad too because they could have given Conan a conclusion to his character arc by finding a love to replace Valeria in Sonja. Since we never got Conan the Conqueror, Red Sonja could have been fleshed out and expanded to respect Conan’s contributions to the story, and it would have been a nice ending to the trilogy instead of a strange spinoff containing a completely new character with the same actor in the same universe as the previous character he played and made famous. Regardless, Bergman’s over-the-top performance does work within the context of the movie, though her reasoning for her revenge being a scar she suffered across her face at the hands of Sonja is ludicrous. The viewer is aware of both characters’ backstories very well up to this point, so Gedren having the audacity to argue that her scar is on the level of Sonja’s family being killed and her being raped is outrageous. Actually, it’s insulting because it’s never treated as an ironic comment by Sonja. It’s looked at without question as Gedren’s motivation, an awful decision by the screenwriter. This should have been a moment that incited a violent outburst from Sonja or a powerful monologue of some sort, but it’s just thrown to the side instead! Not only is it unsatisfying but it’s illogical. Gedren sees Sonja coming from a mile away, and they could have her killed in a sneak attack early, but she makes the call to “wait until they get closer”. Why? Is it all because of this dumbass scar?

Also, if you just want to capture her anyway to have this final, vengeful conversation with her, why would they wait until they got closer? They are literally days away from the world ending. Her being patient doesn’t coincide with what’s going on. Going along with this, why would she set them up to face the notably unpredictable “Killing Machine” if she wants Sonja spared? When Ikol admits they can’t guarantee nothing will go wrong, why even risk the decision considering her goal? It’s just idiocy. I’m in the minority of not having a problem with Bergman’s cartoonish performance because it fits what the series is good at. It’s the character’s actions that were the source of my problems. Compared to her work in Conan the Barbarian, Bergman improved a lot as an actress. Would she have been a better Sonja? It’s hard to say because it’s quite the double-edged sword. The performance may have been better, but Nielsen is the bigger star, so this was really the only chance they had to make it work. Though you’re not feeling the vitriol hatred they have for each other like Conan did with Thulsa Doom, it comes out during their climactic sword fight in the third act. When they get into the Chamber of Lights as the palace starts to be torn apart by the elements, the intensity is finally turned up between them and they start fighting at a rapid pace, demanding your attention in the moment.

When reading about the film, it is said that Gedren is attracted to Sonja and was mad she spurned her advances, which makes sense of her “We could’ve ran the world together!” line. However, if this was the intention, it was barely understood or explained onscreen. John Grant in The Encyclopedia of Fantasy implied that Gedren’s sexual orientation is seen as a bad thing and it’s problematic because of it, but I completely disagree. If this somehow was the intention of the movie, they did awfully poor job at conveying these feelings to the audience, especially because she was so outwardly furious over her scar. She never struck me as some angry lesbian who’s mad at Sonja for turning her down. Through performance and how she is written to be on a surface level, Queen Gedren is simply a crazed tyrant hellbent on controlling the world and getting revenge on one woman during the process. Had her attraction to Sonja been more of a focus and this angle was played up a bit more in the midst of everything, it would have made their relationship more compelling if anything, instead of the direction they went in. Coinciding with this, the film has been criticized for the female warrior in Sonja needing help from her male counterpart to accomplish this mission, but this is blown out of proportion too. It’s just a way to show Sonja learning to trust humanity again and understanding the value of teamwork because there’s no way she could have succeeded by herself. It’s not her being a woman, it’s just the circumstances created within the plot. There are plenty of male protagonists that have to do the exact same thing including Conan like when Valeria’s ghost stopped him from getting killed by Rexor in the first movie. Without Zula and the rest of team, Conan wouldn’t have succeeded in Conan the Destroyer either. Giving Red Sonja a sexist label just because she found love and accepted help from some people that happened to be male is flat-out ignorant.

She’s still the one who defeated the villain and saved the day. Grow up people! At most, Sonja and Kalidor are equals as fighters, which is still a positive message. Then again, you could still argue Sonja is more powerful if you wanted to, as Tarn implies that she’s holding back during their first sword fight with, “Why does she fight so hard? She doesn’t want to win.”

It’s hard not to groan at the myriads of inconsistences and baffling moments throughout Red Sonja. It happens so often it starts to seem careless. For example, in the aforementioned “Killing Machine” sequence, Kalidor blinds the machine by breaking off its eyes with Sonja, once they realize it isn’t a real animal. Then, he calls to Falkon by NAME to get out of the water because the machine can’t see anymore, but how did he do this? He’s never met Falkon in his life, so how the fuck would he know his name? There was never a moment before this where he meets them, or they acknowledge each other. There’s no way he could have known his name unless he’s a psychic! Also, how in the fuck does Kalidor keep finding Sonja in the most randomly specific spots? He says he follows her, but it can’t be that simple. There is a lot of time spent traveling far and away in these vast landscapes and there are so many areas she can find herself in. How does he guess she’s deep in this one specific cave? No one questions it either. They just accept his help and never thank him for risking his life on multiple occasions to help the others out. Though I realize flirting between barbarian warriors may be a bit different compared to normal people, it seems like an illogical strategy for Sonja and Kalidor to sword fight into the early hours of the morning before going into a mission that they can’t fail at because the world is at stake. When you put this into perspective, they saved the world at maybe 60% of their full power because of how exhausted they were for fighting each other for what seems to be eight hours straight without sleep. It really lessons the impact of their world-saving actions. Once everything is over and (SPOILERS, SPOILERS, SPOILERS) Sonja sends Gedren down into the lava in-between the cracks of the ground, she throws the Talisman down there too. Based off the rules they have established, wouldn’t this stop the kingdom from exploding because it would stop the bad weather?

A staple of the Conan series is the bad guy’s palace always being destroyed in the end along with everyone in it, but destroying the Talisman should’ve stopped this from happening based off everything they said. Once more, it’s all about the inconsistencies. You can’t ignore them. Sometimes you can, but there’s too many for Red Sonja to overcome. The outrageousness of the world-building is always something I can get into in the sword-and-sorcery genre. When Lord Kalidor explains that centuries ago the high lords of Arcania entrusted the Talisman to the priestesses because only women can touch it, but to guard it or destroy it is still the duty of the high lord (himself in this case), I can suspend my disbelief and completely buy into it for the sake of the movie. What bothers me is when I follow the rules THEY WROTE, and they disobey it themselves like with the destruction and aftermath of the Talisman. Then, there’s just stupid shit like Sonja acting like she couldn’t crawl under the gate that Kalidor and Falkon are holding up during the escape sequence. It’s painfully obvious she can fit due to her skinny frame. It’s only exemplified by the wide shot of all three of them, making her look even dumber. A moment like this insults the intelligence of the viewer. CRAWL! The kingdom is literally imploding, and you are minutes from perishing. JUST TRY HARDER! If I’m in the same situation as her character, there’s not a chance in hell I would go through such an action with that little of an effort.

It’s funny when a movie’s dramatic scenes are funny, and the scenes or characters that try to be funny aren’t. Such is the case here. There’s one scene where Sonja almost spanks Tarn for announcing their presence to Gedren because he’s not a thief and sees this as the right way to go about combat, but Falkon stops her and offers himself as a way of self-sacrifice. This was a comedic worthy scene if they tried hard enough, but it’s completely botched. Later, Sonja teaches Tarn that he holds his sword too tight when he fights in what is intended as a bonding moment between the two, but the simple fact that this one lesson that is barely explained is Tarn’s biggest issue as a fighter rather than the fact that he’s four feet tall is amusing.

Instead of being the start of something new, Red Sonja effectively killed the Conan franchise, and it was no one else’s fault but the talent involved. It’s memorable and fun in a kitschy, comic book sort of way, but it pales in comparisons to its predecessors. The direction is terrible, the acting is worse, and it’s too cheesy for its own good. The fantasy elements and action sequences are still done well, and there are some production details that are cool enough to revisit like the sets and such, but it just makes you think how much better the idea could have been had better talent across the board been involved.

Fun Fact: Ralph Bakshi was originally hired to direct but was replaced by a returning Richard Fleischer after the production pushed back a year.