Simon Sez (1999)

Starring: Dennis Rodman, Dane Cook, John Pinette, Ricky Harris, and Emma Wiklund
Grade: C-

Simon Sez is an action comedy starring Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook. That’s really all the information you need to know if you’re debating on watching this or not.

Summary

In France, Simon (Rodman) is an Interpol agent that seems to always be in the middle of some action. He doesn’t report to any higher official, but he has two tech guys that back him. They’re also monks (Pinette and Harris). I’m not sure why, but this movie marches to the beat of a different drum.

Simon watches from afar as some arms dealer named Colonel Tellore decides not to sell to arms dealer Ashton (Jérôme Pradon). Ashton gets mad he’s not cooperating, so he sends his goons to attack. Seeing this, Simon drives in on his motorcycle and saves Tellore by kicking some ass. Simon tells Tellore to call him when he’s ready to talk.

Claire (Natalia Cigliuti) and Michael (Filip Nikolic) are young lovers. Little do they know, Michael’s father is being forced to work with Ashton. As Simon chills out and plays bocce ball, he’s interrupted by a former CIA classmate of his, Nick Miranda (Cook). Miranda is the head of security for a software firm. He’s in town for a job where he has to settle a ransom. It’s basically to rescue Claire. However, he doesn’t know she isn’t being held against her will. Regardless, he enlists Simon to help him as his bodyguard. The problem is that he doesn’t tell Simon the details of any of this. An argument ensues after Claire isn’t seen during the job, and Simon steps up to fight the bad guys after they pull their guns out, demanding Nick’s briefcase full of money. Simon and Nick escape, only to be attacked by an assassin and ex-girlfriend (Wiklund) of Simon’s. Simon is still able to escape with the briefcase though.

Later, Simon and Nick look in the briefcase and find it’s just a disc and not the $2 million that Miranda thought it was. Claire’s father (and Nick’s employer) flips out on Nick and demands he give away the disc to get his daughter back. Simon takes the disc to the monks, and they find out it’s classified U.S. military software. Nick wants it back to save Claire, but Simon refuses because of its importance. However, he does agree to help Nick save Claire. The thing is Claire doesn’t realize the situation she’s in. She doesn’t know that she’s in a hostage situation because her and Michael are innocent lovers. It’s just that Michael’s dad is in a predicament. The real goal is the disc, and Claire is being used as collateral to get it. However, the guys find out about the reality of the Claire situation soon after “saving” her.

Now, Simon is trying to figure out why Michael’s dad needs military software, not knowing he’s being forced to get it for Ashton. At the same time, he has to deal with Claire escaping to try and be with Michael. Adding to the trouble is the fact that the software is being used for Ashton’s laser beam super weapon that has a 300-mile range.

Obviously, this is only a problem Dennis Rodman could solve.

My Thoughts:

Ridiculous is the name of the game with Simon Sez.

You have to bypass certain elements of the story to enjoy it (because it does get outrageously stupid) but once you accept it for the campy extravaganza that it is, it’s got more entertainment value than people give it credit for. Dennis Rodman does a fairly decent job as an action hero and is probably the best part about this movie. Sure, he’s not Laurence Olivier or anything but as far as action movies go, he does a good enough job to make this movie more watchable than it should be. You know how we used to love the craziness of the Cannon Group and all the over-the-top Chuck Norris movies of the 80s? Simon Sez‘s likeability reminds me of that. Plus, Rodman is a big enough star to watch this movie for historical purposes. That may sound crazy now, but you need to understand how much of a phenomenon he was in the late 90s. It’s literally the only reason I watched this movie. Sure, seeing Rodman try to be in disguise in one scene was pretty ridiculous (considering he’s 6’8” with dyed hair and piercings), but it’s not like this film takes itself too seriously where this stands out as ludicrous. It’s honestly part of the charm because it’s so stupid. Rodman and Emma Wiklund are also believable as exes that have a love/hate relationship too. If you told me they dated in real life, I would 100% believe you. They look good together, and Rodman was doing Wilt Chamberlain numbers in the bedroom during this timeframe, so you know he would easily pull someone like her. Of course, this also led to one of the most memorable sex scenes I’ve seen in a while.

The music, the vibes, etc…

Everything about it was so 90s.

Dane Cook was a bit of a disappointment. Admittedly, Cook can be hit-or-miss for a lot of people, but I don’t mind him. This however is pretty early in his career, and he is just trying WAY too hard to be funny. He tries to be “annoying funny” but doesn’t get a single laugh. He tries everything too. He makes dog noises, dinosaur noises (complete with full dinosaur stance), humps a couch and even crawls on his knees at one point to get a laugh. I can honestly say none of it worked. Brother Macro/Big Mac and Brother Micro/Free Willy, the two monks, do get some laughs though, and they don’t try nearly as hard as Cook to get them. The bad guy was all over the place though. In certain action films, there’s this thing where the bad guy has to be ridiculously over-the-top to be memorable because the main star/hero usually takes over the show. This is one of those cases. Jérôme Pradon is out-fucking-rageous as a bad guy. He has this weird delivery when he talks, saying his lines in such an odd manner, I can’t help but wonder why the director didn’t cut to ask him what the fuck he was doing. Seriously, imagine Christoph Waltz, only fucking awful and on meth. On top of that, he just looks goofy. He acts like a throwaway villain on some cartoon superhero show from the 90s that only appeared for a singular episode.

I know that’s specific, but I feel like you understand what I’m saying.

His gang of criminals also wear clown make-up, and it’s neither addressed nor explained. What? Why? There’s also the unnecessarily convoluted bad guy plan. Why didn’t he just cut out the middleman and kidnap Claire from the get-go, forcing her father to give up the disc? Why include an entire third party to do it?

Maybe I should take my own advice here. I shouldn’t take Simon Sez too seriously and neither should you. Still, Rodman is pretty cool, the action is solid, and for action movie fans, it’s intriguing to say the least. For all the corny Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme direct-to-video action movies we’ve seen over the years, Simon Sez ranks right up there with them as passable fare. However, it’s so bad/weird, you kind of need to see it. You know what I’m saying? Yes, everything else is sort of hard to get into, but it’s definitely watchable because of the spectacle that it is.

On that note, for those that don’t give a fuck about the cultural phenomenon that Dennis Rodman in the 90s was and you’re looking for an action movie with substance, steer clear of this film at all costs.