Sgt. Bilko (1996)

Starring: Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Phil Hartman, Glenne Headly, Daryl Mitchell, Chris Rock, the dad from Smart Guy, the mom from That ’70s Show, and Barry from Friends
Grade: A+

Sgt. Bilko is essentially Steve Martin versus Phil Hartman with Dan Aykroyd as the Special Guest Referee. Make no mistake about it, that’s a great thing.

Summary

Private First Class and 19-year-old Walter “Wally” T. Holbrook (Mitchell) arrives at the US Army’s Fort Baxter, the research and development facility. Upon walking in, he sees a truck advertising the “Bilko Lottery” and how one can win the very truck its advertising on. The driver stops once he sees the upper brass driving by and lets the other soldier in the bed of the truck know who’s coming. Hearing this, the soldier changes the Bilko Lottery sign to another with the Army’s slogan of “Be All That You Can Be!”. Wally continues on as the radio announcer stationed inside Fort Baxter states that all personnel are invited to join Master Sgt. Ernie Bilko (Martin) in the motor pool for a demonstration of proper sparkplug maintenance. In reality, the three times for this “motor pool” are actually codes for the lottery numbers, and the numbers are read off. None of the soldiers near the radio that Wally sees win, and they walk off in anger. Following this, Wally goes into the office to introduce himself to the secretary in classic military fashion, prompting her to tell him to calm down. He says he’s assigned to the motor pool because he’s a mechanic. Hearing this, she takes him straight to Garrison Commander Col. John Hall (Aykroyd). Hall notes how young Wally is, but Wally is quick to point out that he’s a first-rate mechanic and his two uncles owned a garage. Hall interrupts to ask if he has any money. Once Wally confirms, Hall asks for it right away. He looks in Wally’s wallet and guesses there is $500 in there. Wally corrects him. It’s actually $700, making Hall anxious. He asks Wally if he actually intended to take $700 cash into Bilko’s barracks. Wally doesn’t see what the big deal is because he doesn’t know who Bilko is. Hall just hides Wally’s money into Wally’s hat and wishes him luck. He tells Wally that if he needs help, his door is always open. Funnily enough, Wally turns to ask him something, but Hall shuts the door in his face.

Wally gets to the garage, and there’s a bunch of people yelling over something. He asks around for Bilko but is told by Sgt. Raquel Barbella (Pamela Segall) that he’s too late to make a bet. Confused, Wally finagles his way through the crowd to see Pvt. Duane Doberman (Eric Edwards) playing tug of war with a horse. Doberman falls on his back in the middle of it, and Bilko comes in right after. He blames Doberman for wearing the wrong shoes and demands that the horse be drug tested on account of not being this lively this morning (“Get a urine bottle and a mop!”). A confused Wally asks Raquel what is going on, so she explains how Doberman said he felt as strong as a horse last night in the gym. Some guy in Company P overheard him and said, “Yeah, for how much?”. That’s the golden rule around Fort Baxter. You don’t say anything unless you’re prepared to back it up. Just then, Doberman loses and Bilko is forced to pay the man who made the bet. The man asks if Bilko wants to go again, but Doberman pleads with Bilko to not make the bet because he can’t do it. Bilko tells him to not worry and there is nothing that will make him put Doberman through that again. The man calls Doberman a loser, so Bilko fakes being offended and literally tells Sgt. Henshaw (John Marshall Jones) and Sam Fender (Brian Leckner) to hold him back. The man offers to double the bet, and Bilko gets calm out of nowhere and asks if he’s serious while Henshaw tells Bilko not to because it’s all of the platoon’s money. Bilko sees this as beyond money. It’s a matter of honor. He makes the bet $1,000, and the man agrees to it, calling Bilko a sucker. Doberman and the others of the platoon cheer as a response, making the man realize he’s been had. The others in the platoon knew exactly what Bilko was doing, and he stands in the back of the room putting a cigar in his mouth while Doberman gets ready to go again. Doberman beats the horse in tug of war, and a triumphant Bilko walks over to collect his money (“Walk him around and wipe him down. Not the horse, Doberman!”).

Later, Bilko is on the phone and talks about how the M2 Bradley Vehicle is property of the US Army and how he wants it back on the post by tonight. He tells the caller they have rules and regulations, as he ironically lights a match off the “No Smoking” sign to light his cigar. He yells that he has their rental agreement, and if they blow anything up, it’s coming out of their deposit. Bilko hangs up and comments how irresponsible teenagers are.

Coming out of his office, Bilko is stopped by Henshaw and Barbella. Barbella argues that Bilko said she could count the take. Henshaw points out how she counted it last time, but Bilko wants them to stop because it feels like he’s running a daycare center. After he says this though, he realizes that a daycare center isn’t a bad idea and they could keep the kids in the storeroom. He asks Luis (John Ortiz) how many kids are on the post, and he replies that there are 293 dependents under 5. Bilko tells Luis to get him the sum total of all their allowances. Mickey Zimmerman (Mitchell Whitfield) asks if it’s a good idea to put kids in the storeroom, but Bilko insists they won’t die (“In fact, that’ll be our motto: They won’t die”). Bilko takes the money from Henshaw and Barbella to count and directs Barbella to get the horse back to Knott’s Berry Farm. Before he can get back into his office, Wally introduces himself like a soldier, loud and proud. Bilko is startled by his shouting, and Barbella laughs it off while explaining to Bilko that Wally is a “tech school terror” who graduated first in his class. He focuses on motor vehicle maintenance. Bilko jokingly responds, “A real life wrench-turner in the motor pool? It’s so crazy, it just might work”. Bilko smells money in the air and then begins to introduce Wally to everyone. He tells him to see Henshaw and Barbella about dances and raffles, and he will get all his tickets through them. Plus, they will let Wally know when the gift ship is open, so if he needs any personalized stationery or magazines, he can go there. However, Bilko is quick to say that Wally needs to see Tony Morales (Dan Ferro) for magazine subscriptions. Towels are for sale too. Wally is confused because he thought the Army issued them. Bilko laughs this off and tells the others to get him a fluffy towel at the introductory price. Next, Bilko walks Wally into the area where they have a mini-casino, introducing him to Dino Paparelli (Max Casella).

Then, he introduces him to Sam Fender and how his motto is that “an indictment is not a conviction”. Moving on, Bilko points out Zimmerman watching a TV that is just playing static. He says Zimmerman was born without a personality.

After this, he introduces the intelligent Luis Clemente who fixes the TV for Zimmerman. There is also Tony Morales who doesn’t take showers “because it fogs up the mirror”. Bilko finishes his introductions with Doberman, saying that he doesn’t shower either “but for an entirely different and much more frightening reason”. Wally gives Bilko his orders. Bilko grabs the paper but doesn’t even look at it, declaring that everything seems to be in order. He has Henshaw forcefully take Wally’s bags but assures Wally he’s bonded. He then asks if he has a valid license because if he doesn’t, they can make one up. He calls for Henshaw to get the camera, but Wally has one. He reaches for his wallet, but it’s gone. As he turns, Henshaw takes a picture of him. Bilko acts like he just “found” Wally’s wallet and looks inside, only to find it empty. Bilko deduces the money is in his hat and grabs it from him. Just by weighing the hat in his hands, Bilko correctly guesses there is $700 in it. Bilko says this is good and then directs Wally’s attention to Hall’s car. The problem is the odometer. It says 12,000 miles, but it should say 11,000. Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe over the weekend to go to his grandmother’s funeral. Wally offers condolences, but Bilko explains that when he says this, he means that Tony was there to visit his “niece”. When he says “niece”, he actually means “lady friend”. Wally sees what’s going on and says he can’t turn the odometer back. Doberman calls him out for saying “can’t”, and Bilko acts like he fainted and falls into Barbella’s arms who catches him. The platoon gathers around to pressure Wally, but Wally stands firm that he can’t violate regulations unless it’s a direct order in which case he would have to ask Bilko to sign said order. Bilko explains that he’s asking for him to do Tony a favor since they’re all like a family here. He says any one of them would take a bullet for Wally, but Fender is quick to say he wouldn’t take a bullet in the chest.

They all agree with Fender on this point and Bilko says it would be in the thigh or a flesh wound of some sort.

Wally asks for permission to speak freely, and Bilko replies that they aren’t in Russia, and he can say whatever he wants. Wally turns to the platoon and yells at them about how they are soldiers and guardians of freedom. He doesn’t think there is a man or woman there who is taking their service oath seriously. Fender wants to kill him and tries to attack, but Wally takes him out quickly. Bilko likes it and comments how this is the type of stuff they should be teaching in the Army. Wally says they are, and Bilko is genuinely surprised (“No kidding?”). Sometime after, the higher brass comes to Fort Baxter, and the station radio DJ plays a song as a code to alert the motor pool. Bilko lets everyone know the brass are coming, so the platoon hides all of their illegal activities like the mini-casino, the horse racing on the TV, the bar, and everything else. Tony asks where they are going to hide the horse, but Bilko just replies, “What horse?”. Wally just watches as they clean up and act like they are fixing vehicles upon Hall and Captain Moon (Steve Park) entering the place. Bilko acts like he’s observing his crew while they fix a tank and has them line up once Hall gets his attention. Once Bilko directs them to go back to what they were doing, he butters up Hall by asking if he lost some weight, which he appreciates. Moving on, Hall is there to see about his car, though Bilko says they are still working on it. This confuses Hall because they had it a week and a half. Moon interrupts to say he saw it last night on Interstate 30, and Bilko goes along with it. He uses Moon trying to out him to fuel his lie, saying that Moon is a witness to prove that he test drove the vehicle. Hall smells the air and then sees the horse shit on the ground and asks what that it is. Bilko quickly responds that it’s horse shit before changing the subject to how he tells the men how they have to test drive the vehicles. Hall ignores this and asks what the horse shit is doing there, and Bilko instantly responds that it keeps the flies off the food before going back to talking about the car. Hall doesn’t get what he’s talking about regarding the food, so Bilko passes it off as an experimental program and the results are mixed.

Unbeknownst to Hall and Moon, the horse is above them, as it’s been tied up and lifted towards the ceiling. Hall and Moon then look up and see the horse, so Barbella explains that it’s a lot cheaper than sending out for it. Henshaw says it’s fresher too. Hall flips out on Bilko on how this isn’t the horse cavalry and he can’t bring livestock onto the post. Bilko agrees and tells his platoon to get the horse out of there. Moving on, Hall wants to know about his car, but he admits he knows nothing about cars. Using this to his advantage, Bilko begins to explain fake issues with the cars until they are interrupted by Corporal Jefferson with a message for Hall from the Pentagon (“How did they get my number?”). Jefferson states they are sending in a team to observe tomorrow’s hover tank test. Hall is confused as to why they would take it so seriously, but then he realizes what’s happening. They have been closing a lot of military facilities lately, and they could be planning on closing Fort Baxter. Hall asks Bilko if he knows anything about this since Bilko usually knows about things before he does. Bilko doesn’t but sees Hall off. As Hall and Moon leave, Bilko makes some fake inspirational speech to Henshaw and Barbella while in earshot of Hall until Henshaw tells him that Hall is gone. Right away, Bilko comments how he’s hungry and asks what time it is. Henshaw says it’s noon and they already put in an order of Chinese. Nevertheless, Barbella doesn’t like what she’s hearing about the Pentagon, but Bilko assures her things are fine and that it’s just Army stuff that has nothing to do with them. Suddenly, it hits Bilko that it’s noon. He has a strange feeling he has to be somewhere but can’t remember. Unfortunately, it’s his own wedding, as his fiancée Rita Robbins (Headly) is literally at the alter with friends and family there. She comments how she’s going to kill him. Back at Fort Baxter, Bilko is eating Chinese food with the platoon and still racking his brain over what he was supposed to do.

They ask if it was a poker game or a racetrack event, but he knows that wasn’t it.

At the church, the reverend compliments Rita’s dress and asks if it’s new, but it’s not. She wore it the last time Bilko stood her up. Right after this, Wally is driving the jeep in a hurry as Bilko, Henshaw, and Barbella get dressed, as Bilko finally remembered his wedding. Wally almost hits an old lady crossing the street, and Henshaw catches the walker she threw in the air. Barbella wants the ring because Henshaw got to be the best man last time, but Henshaw refuses because Bilko didn’t get married last time. In the church, Rita is livid but refuses to let anyone leave just yet. She is getting married and doesn’t care to who at this point. She asks Nelson to marry her, but Nelson reminds her that he’s engaged to Rita’s sister (“And?”). Later, Bilko and the crew finally show up to the church, and Rita is the only one there. She is sitting outside the church on the steps. Henshaw gives Bilko the walker, and Bilko uses it to walk towards her to act like he’s injured. He goes on about how there was a busload of geriatrics rolling down a mountainside, but Rita stops him with a slap. She’s not falling for it and storms back into the church. Bilko follows her in and sees how no one is there, commenting how it was a bad turnout. She retorts that it was full an hour ago. Bilko walks towards her without the walker, realizes it, and then declares aloud that he’s well. He says he will do anything to make it better and asks what she wants. Rita replies that she’s been waiting for Bilko to marry her for 7 years. She wants her 7 years back. She can’t live like this. She has a maid of honor on call 24 hours a day, and she’s the only woman in Roseville with a wedding dress that’s falling apart from wear. Rita thinks Bilko loves her, but she considers him so slippery that it’s impossible to know what he’s thinking. He thanks her for this because he sees it as a compliment. Even so, she doesn’t understand what he’s so afraid of. He bypasses this to challenge her to a game of gin, one game to 500. She really doesn’t want to but can’t resist and sits down to play with him. On the ride back to Fort Baxter, Henshaw, Barbella, and Wally agree that Rita is a nice woman and Bilko is treating her badly.

Bilko questions if Wally would be happier in the Navy. Wally ignores this and comments how Rita will have to change her name and move to another town for what Bilko did to her. Bilko tells him to calm down and argues that his relationship with Rita is special. He even says that she didn’t expect to marry him today anyway. She expected Bilko to do what he did. He sees it as a game. Henshaw replies that he might lose that game someday.

On the testing field, Hall and Moon drive over to meet with Major Ebersole (Austin Pendleton) about how things are going in preparation for the hover tank test. Ebersole hopes it won’t be too humiliating, which isn’t promising. Theoretically, the hover tank is supposed to lift off and hover several inches above the pond, though he wouldn’t bet the farm on this happening. It’s also supposed to engage the targets, the cannons will shoot, there will be an ammunition dump, and the truck will be blown up. Hall suggests that the explosions happen in a certain order and for Ebersole to save the biggest for last. Ebersole just stares at him until finally saying he will make a note of it. Bilko and the three get back to Fort Baxter, and the rest of the platoon greet him and ask if he got married yet. Once he admits he didn’t, some of the soldiers lose bets and hand the others money. They ask how Rita took it, and Bilko says she took it well since she took $40 off him in a gin game. Moving on, Bilko asks Paparelli how the tickets are going for the “Meet Storming Norman” barbecue. Pararelli says it’s a sellout and they found a lookalike. Bilko smiles stating, “No wonder they call me a master sergeant”. He turns to the platoon and details how things weren’t always this good. When he first got his stripes at Fort Dix, he saw it as his responsibility to provide the men and women of that post with some wholesome recreation. Fender correctly guesses that Bilko ran the gambling. Bilko does say that there was a lieutenant there named Colin Thorn (Hartman) who he considered a lunatic, smooth on the outside but barbed wire on the inside. He rode Bilko like a jockey. He couldn’t get away with pools, raffles, card games, or anything (“It was like being in the Army”). In a flashback, we see how Thorn shows up to Bilko’s Monte Carlo Night and busts the place. Finally, Bilko caught a break. They were holding the division boxing finals at their post, and you couldn’t stop people from betting on it. It was a toss-up, which Bilko considers sloppy because he obviously prefers a sporting event in which he knows the outcome beforehand. Bilko found one of the fighters and convinced him to take a dive for a 50/50 split of the profits.

At the time, Bilko had a corporal working for him named Leo Cletz who was a moron. He gave Leo the money to pay off the fighter, but Leo gave the money to the other fighter. That fighter is surprised but accepts the money to take a dive anyway. Meanwhile, Bilko’s guy figures that Bilko was going to get him the money after he took the dive. So, both fighters think they’re taking a dive, resulting in a fight where nobody hit anyone for three rounds. Out of boredom, one of the fighters connected on a right, and they both hit the mat at the same time, so it was obvious there was a fix. Thorn took it as a personal insult and stormed the locker room after the fight to confront the one fighter. He found the money in the locker and pulled it out of the bag. As he is about to yell at the boxer while he held the money, people enter and photograph Thorn with the money in hand and frame him as the guy who paid off the fighter. The military police arrested him. They realized they didn’t have enough evidence to court martial him, so they sent him to Greenland instead.

Game, set, and match – Bilko

Going back to the present, Wally comments that Bilko dealt with Thorn dishonestly. Henshaw interrupts to ask what happened to Thorn, but Bilko doesn’t know. At dawn, Thorn arrives to Fort Baxter by helicopter and is greeted by Hall. Once the trumpet sounds to wake everyone up in the morning, everyone sleeps in, except for Wally. He goes down to see the absolute mess the barracks have been turned into as there was a party the night before. Wally shouts to wake everyone up, but they all start throwing stuff at him. Wally goes to Bilko to try and get them in trouble, but he was sleeping too and is confused at the sound of the trumpet when Wally wakes him up (“What’s that music?”). On the field, Hall tells Thorn that the weapon system of the hover tank is in the experimental stage, but he says Thorn will be impressed with the noise it makes. Ebersole runs over to Hall and urges him to not go through with the test. Hall introduces Ebersole to Thorn and says he is the brains behind the tank and the one really responsible. They go through with the test, and it does well at first, even blowing up a target. Unfortunately, it spurns out of control and backs up into the bleachers where bystander soldiers are there to watch. They all run out in time before the tank destroys the bleachers accidentally. At the barracks, Bilko walks out in his robe and Henshaw hands him his coffee. As Bilko takes a drink, he hands over the plate to Barbella and then wakes everyone up to start the day since it’s 10AM. He finds Doberman and tells him that it’s that time of the decade and he has to take a shower today. Doberman is saddened over the news and asks if he has to, but Bilko details that everyone feels strongly about it. He has Henshaw show him the petition, and Doberman walks away sad. Bilko sees Wally sitting on his bed and asks what he’s doing since he was full of energy at 6AM. Wally is sad because he doesn’t think the platoon likes him. Bilko asks why he would think that, so Wally shows him the note everyone signed that said directly, “Wally, we don’t like you”. Bilko reads it and sees Doberman’s signature on it.

With this, Wally asks if he can have another roommate that isn’t Doberman because he wet his bed. Bilko argues that it’s once in a while, but Wally counters that he did it from across the room. Meanwhile, Thorn is ready to leave while Hall tries to convince him to stay. Finally, he admits that a negative report from Thorn would be the death knell for Fort Baxter since they have been in a bit of slump lately. Thorn points out how Fort Baxter has gone 9 years without a successful test and adds, “That’s not a slump. That’s a tradition”. Hall wants him to think about the men and their careers along with his own, but Thorn simply says that Hall plays the hand he’s dealt. Thorn uses himself as an example, as this wasn’t the career he had in mind when he got out of OCS. He doesn’t like shining his ass with a seat in DC and visiting dumpy posts. He thought he would be a colonel by now or even a general. What he saw today was a dust cloud that cost $70 million. For a last-ditch plea, Hall tells him that there is more to Fort Baxter than just research and development. He brings up how they have an award-winning commissary, with Moon adding that he should try the chicken casserole. Hall adds that their softball team won the division title last year, and Bilko’s team platoon is in the glee club finals. Thorn sarcastically says he will keep this in mind before getting onto the helicopter. Then, he realizes what Thorn just said. After getting a confirmation that Bilko is in fact there, Thorn decides he will stay for lunch. At the same time, Bilko is playing golf in the open and hits a ball that knocks out one of the band members who are marching by. Later, he is putting on the porch of one of the buildings with Henshaw. Henshaw happily tells him he’s 8 over par, so Bilko tells him to fix it. Caddying for them, Wally questions if they let him do this, but Bilko admits he never asked and adds, “They’d probably say no. It is an Army post”. As Barbella takes bets on an in-house dog race, Bilko bets Henshaw and Wally $20 that he can hit the parking lot. Wally says he doesn’t gamble, so Bilko asks what he does do.

Wally talks about protecting the American way of life, so Bilko tells Wally to tell him this later, so he won’t have to take a sleeping pill. Before he can swing away, Hall drives in with Thorn, and Thorn immediately calls for Bilko, detailing how he’s a major now. Bilko congratulates him, though he’s nervous upon seeing him. Thorn is surprised Bilko is still in the service and says he would have looked him up a long time ago if he knew he was still involved. He asks Hall if Bilko is still the same rascal that he was at Fort Dix, and Bilko laughs this off. Thorn smiles as he tells Bilko how he changed his life, bringing up the boxing match that happened all those years back. Bilko acts like he doesn’t remember, as Thorn goes on about how he became a new man because of it. He says he used to be stiff and uptight, but Bilko taught him that he can’t treat people this way. He even thanks Bilko for it. Just then, some greyhounds run behind them and Hall asks what the barking was. Bilko says they were greyhounds before asking right away how long Thorn will be with them. Thorn says he won’t be there long and leaves with Hall to get some food. Once they leave, Bilko knows Thorn is up to no good and tells Henshaw to cancel everything, the dances, the raffles, the mud wrestling on the obstacle course, everything. Once they get back to the barracks, they see everyone playing indoor hockey and breaking everything while they do so, with Bilko remembering it’s the playoffs. Barbella gives him the money from the blade rentals. Just as Bilko yells at everyone to stop, the coded alert song is played on the station radio. Hall and Thorn are nearby, and Henshaw says they are coming for a surprise inspection. They have about 90 seconds and everyone is panicking. Bilko asks where Alpha Company is at. He is told they are doing their field exercises, so Bilko leads them to switch buildings with Alpha Company while they are out. They switch signs with them just as Hall and Thorn show up.

Because of the sign switching, Hall leads Thorn to the wrong building at first and it makes him look stupid. Hall then leads Thorn to the building across the street, and Bilko is leading his platoon in song just as Hall and Thorn enter for a routine inspection. Bilko acts as if he’s surprised and wasn’t prepared, and Thorn challenges him by asking the platoon to stand by their rooms. Bilko tries to argue that the glee club can’t miss anymore practice, but Thorn cuts him off and starts shouting at them to get to their rooms. They enter the first room, and Thorn finds a framed picture of a black family. Testing Zimmerman, he asks who they are. Zimmerman looks at Bilko who looks away, so Zimmerman says it’s the cast of his favorite TV show, The African-American Hour. Hall says he’s never heard of it, prompting Zimmerman to reply that it’s on cable and it’s funny and it makes you think. Hall buys it and Thorn just stares at him while he walks away. Silently, Bilko pats Zimmerman on the shoulder. Thorn goes into what he thinks is Henshaw’s room and finds women’s underwear in the closet, asking if it’s his. Henshaw just comments that it’s his understanding that Thorn can no longer ask him these questions. Hall just tells Thorn it’s a new army and they’re all adjusting. They go into Doberman and Wally’s “room”, and Thorn points out how the corner of the bed isn’t squared off, so Bilko throws the mattress off and demands Doberman give him 20 pushups. Seeing him struggle, Bilko asks him to do “1” instead. Thorn tells Hall he’s a courageous man for thumbing his nose at army regulations since Doberman is 50 pounds overweight. While Thorn is distracted, Bilko says Doberman just finished his 20. Thorn asks Hall the chances of Doberman being discovered and his being blamed, assuming it would be minimal. Hearing this, Hall tells Bilko that he wants Doberman at regulation weight within 6 weeks, and Bilko agrees to it.

At a grade school, Rita is a drama teacher and is having the kids act out Guys and Dolls. When the kids in-character talk about getting married after 14 years, Rita is hyper focused on the words. The little girl asks Rita why Adelaide would stick around if a man disses her all the time, and Rita doesn’t have an answer. Just then, Bilko interrupts to ask if Rita got the flowers he sent. Once she says she didn’t, he lies and says he will call FedEx to put a trace on it. He also tells the little girl that Nathan Detroit is a hustler, but he never lies about how much he cares for Adelaide. With this, Rita dismisses the class to talk to Bilko privately. She says she doesn’t think they should see each other anymore. He counters by bringing up how she said she would go to the Rusty Spur bar with him. Rita agrees to go with him but gives him 30 days to put a ring on her finger. Otherwise, it’s over between them. This is his last chance. Meanwhile, Thorn brings in Lt. Oster (Rock) and Lt. Monday (Catherine Silvers; daughter of Phil Silvers) to Fort Baxter, as he requested the best number crunches in the Army. Thorn wants them to do whatever they can to catch Bilko in the act. Later, Bilko talks to Hall about having his platoon volunteer for desert maneuvers (“We still haven’t got over being left out of Desert Storm. How those orders got crisscrossed, I’ll never know”). Hall isn’t falling for Bilko’s act this time, as they both know the desert maneuvers are taking place 15 miles from Las Vegas, Bilko’s favorite place on Earth. Bilko still acts like he didn’t know and talks about Lake Mead and the Hoover Dam, but Hall tells him to forget it because they have bigger problems. He brings up how Oster and Monday were brought in to audit the motor pool accounts. He takes Bilko into his office and says Fort Baxter is skating on thin ice as it is. Hall tells him to not let them find anything. Bilko asks if he’s suggesting a cover-up, prompting Hall to reply, “No… is there anything to cover up?”. Bilko says no, so Hall just tells Bilko to do whatever it is that he does to make things go away.

With Thorn being a literal thorn in his side, there’s going to be a lot of trouble for Bilko, especially if he has to worry about Rita’s ultimatum at the same time.

My Thoughts:

Not that the list is too long but for what it’s worth, Sgt. Bilko is one of the best military comedies of all time. Steve Martin leads this great cast as they put together a hilarious Army movie without having to leave the barracks. Instead, the war our heroes are having is all in-house, as Martin goes head-to-head with fellow comedy legend Phil Hartman who plays a Major with a personal vendetta against the most unserious officer of any military branch. Based on the popular 1950s sitcom The Phil Silvers Show, the film adaptation honors the television show greatly, as it’s one of the best comedies of 1996.

Sgt. Bilko succeeds on a multitude of levels. First of all, the casting from top to bottom is fantastic. Taking over from TV legend Phil Silvers and his beloved show is no easy task, but Steve Martin proves to be a worthy successor in reintroducing the character to the modern age. Inserting his particular brand of humor into the protagonist to make Ernie Bilko his own, Martin makes the transition about as seamless as it gets. As far as post-1980s Steve Martin roles, it’s one of his best comedic performances. Surely, it’s his most underrated. Perfectly playing the role of the sly gambling addict and money-making shyster that has turned the motor pool into an under-the-radar Las Vegas for Army personnel, Martin is hilarious in the titular role. He creates this environment where the liars, the lazy, and the unfit can reign supreme behind closed doors, doing anything and everything not involving actual military work and it’s an absolute pleasure to watch unfold. He’s the puppet master behind Fort Baxter and can literally do whatever he wants, as he has paid off the right people and has a contingency plan in case of any emergency to keep things moving forward. Basically, he cannot be touched. Even Col. Hall knows that Bilko has a leg up on him when it comes to the happenings around the area. Because of Bilko’s “leadership” and how he runs things in the motor pool, the platoon as well as himself are so far gone that they don’t know basic protocol anymore nor do they care. This is why a bloodthirsty Major Thorn is able to scare them with his testing of the platoon. He wants them to fail and knows they will. Based off the first act, it comes as no shock that they fail nearly every drill they have under Thorn’s watchful eye. Not even Bilko can help as he tries to direct them saying, “Alright, you’ve seen real soldiers before, just do what they do!”. In a comical scene, he tries to get them to “grab the rifle by the bottom thing” and go through the rifle drill without knowing the correct terms to tell them, but someone’s gun goes off and they all have to jump to the ground.

Doberman can’t do a single thing right which includes showering, and Bilko can’t set the example from a physical standpoint while he jogs beside them singing, “I can barely move my legs! Do me a favor and kill me now… something something rhymes with legs. My life is over anyhow!”. When Bilko tries to talk to his platoon in private and refers to them as soldiers, they look away and then back at him confused like The Three Stooges used to do.

It’s because Bilko hilariously sets the tone from the outset and made the culture of the Army’s motor pool an absolute party that everyone wants in on. Does he regret it? No, Bilko loves the environment he worked so hard to create, and it’s because of his perspective of life itself being a game that fuels it. He practically enjoys the excitement of it all, as he walks Oster and Monday around the camp while coming up with on-the-spot explanations as to why things seem awry, like his billing the Army for 72 windshields, which he chalks up as a mistake from a fictional Private Dale Butterworth who had a hairline crack in his glasses and thought all the windshields were broken. Doubling down on it, Bilko is quick to tell Oster that he transferred this “Butterworth” right out because “That’s the way I am”. Before Oster has a chance to question the validity of what he said, Bilko then changes the subject instantly by planting seeds in Oster’s head that Monday might have a crush on him and was looking at him the whole time. Later, when Oster brings up a number of irregularities in the computer and requests receipts, he’s completely thrown off by Bilko telling him that Monday was again looking at him. Small details of Bilko’s expert mind games are what makes the movie such a joy to watch. Just like the television show, you find yourself wondering how Bilko will get out of this and seeing him figure out a way virtually every time makes the con man sergeant one of the funniest protagonists Martin has ever played. Facing off against Bilko and trying to outsmart him or make money off him is like if someone dared to play Monopoly against the Monopoly Guy himself. That’s how good he is. When he says things like, “I know. Sometimes, I’m so damn good, I scare myself”, he means it. He is that good. It’s why they call him a master sergeant. Even though they know Bilko is up to something as everything in their training points to this conclusion, Monday and Oster likening his skills to a magician is the perfect description (“He’s got you watching with his left hand” – “And his right hand keeps pulling rabbits”).

Bilko has the game on lock and is so entrenched in it that he thinks it translates into his relationship with his fiancée, Rita. For the record, he’s not completely wrong. After embarrassingly missing their wedding again, Bilko still proves that he has Rita wrapped around his finger, as he’s still able to convince her to play gin once he gets there, with her winning $40 off him. Even when she’s giving him the ultimatum of marrying her in 30 days or it’s over, Bilko convinces her in seconds to go to the Rusty Spur with her for a date night. Of course, the night is all about her until Bilko gets word of a poker game with Major Ebersole, acts like he’s never played to get in on the game, and then cleans house (“I feel bad. Can’t I give some of this back? No, that would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’ll just take these IOUs and pink slips, and you can cash me out and I’ll see you back at base”). Rita just sits there as their song plays wondering where he’s at, not knowing that Thorn found Bilko playing and kicked him out of the bar while telling him to be out on the field at 0500 (“Weather permitting” – “What permitting?” – “Who said that?”). Played by the always sweet Glenne Headly, she makes you feel for Rita, as she keeps giving Bilko chance after chance. However, what’s cool about Rita is that she subverts expectations with her role in a very amusing way. She teases the audience with how she’s the unlucky one who has to put up with Bilko’s antics, and it initially does seem like an unfair, one-sided relationship. Even Henshaw, Barbella, and Wally chime in to tell Bilko this, especially when Bilko tries to explain how it’s not as cut and dry as it looks with Rita because it is like a game between them. Surprisingly, he is partially right. She likes to play games too, whether it be cards or in real life. It’s just that everyone outside of her and Bilko don’t realize that. It’s a very funny relationship that makes the “B” story just as entertaining as the “A” story. When the two try to intersect as Thorn tries to win over Rita to ensure she breaks up with Bilko to further mess with him, Rita entertains it, but she knows what she is doing. She’s only interested in playing mind games with Bilko to throw it right back in his face.

Though she says to Sowicki that it’s not a game and that she wants to know how much Bilko actually loves her, it still subconsciously is because it’s how she’s wired. Bilko is the only one who knows this, which leads to their back-and-forth cold war of sorts that ends up involving all these other people in the midst of the Thorn fiasco.

It’s something Thorn doesn’t see coming either because he thinks he’s using Rita. In reality, she’s using him. She still loves Bilko and his antics. She’s just frustrated. Rita talks to Thorn about how Bilko stood her up at the altar, and Thorn tries to appeal to her feelings by saying there is no excuse for that. Funnily enough, she admits that Bilko had a new excuse every time and “They were all pretty amazing”. Then, she reveals the real reason why she can’t help but stick around, adding that she puts up with Bilko because it was exciting. Every day with him was “Anything Can Happen Day”, comparing it to other couples playing Scrabble. Even after Thorn pleads his case, hilariously proposes with a ring made up of two carats of cubic zirconia, and kisses her, Rita is the one that puts a stop to everything because she doesn’t want to hurt Bilko. It just leads to the next step where she has Sowicki plant the seed that she might leave Bilko for Thorn. Knowing Bilko like she does, Rita waits for him to leave a message on her answering machine trying to dissuade her from falling for Thorn because he knows Thorn is doing it to get at him. In the middle of his explanation, Rita interrupts to argue that Thorn seemed nice and it’s not ridiculous for him to be interested in her. Bilko tries to counter with how Thorn is manipulative, but it’s the most ironic line in the movie, as all three principal characters do their darndest to manipulate each other depending on the scene while they all play innocent. No one knows for sure who is on who’s side from a legitimate standpoint during this part of the movie, which is why Bilko has to do something just in case. Because Rita knows Barbella, Bilko brings Paparelli in drag to dinner to try and make Rita jealous when she’s with Thorn (“I never have sex on the first date. Thank God it’s our third”). Rita knows what he’s doing as soon as he walks in the door and calls out Bilko for bringing Paparelli along in drag just to make her jealous, prompting Bilko to hilariously reply “Well, actually he was already in drag” before getting Paparelli to leave.

While Bilko pleads his case with Rita about how she can’t marry Thorn since she’s Catholic and he’s an asshole, she reminds him that she never said she was marrying Thorn. With this, Bilko realizes Rita turned the tables and manipulated him for a change, a tactic right out of Bilko’s playbook. She is quick to remind him that she has a “masters in manipulation from the University of Bilko” to showcase how she won this round handily, an encapsulation of their unique relationship which is only further validated by Bilko’s own admittance of never being more turned on his life. It results in them getting back together, though with 12 days left in Rita’s marriage ultimatum. As you can see, she’s giving Bilko every chance to do right by her while she enjoys the exhilaration he brings to her life. Does he love Rita more than Las Vegas? Well, Sowicki is right in that this might be asking a lot, but all of it leading to a card game to determine if their wedding should go on is exactly how a relationship like this should be determined. It’s Bilko and Rita in a nutshell. Their relationship is a comedic romantic subplot that fits the lighthearted tone of the film and the outrageousness of the story’s events seamlessly. It may be unrealistic for some, but it totally fits with the tone of the movie. It’s all just part of the fun, which is why the breezy Sgt. Bilko is as endlessly rewatchable as it is. The other key element to the movie’s success in this category is Martin’s Bilko not missing a single comedic opportunity that the movie sets up for him. In accordance with Andy Breckman’s excellent screenplay, Martin delivers, times, and performs in a way where he lets every joke breath in an effort to make sure the audience has a chance to comprehend what was said, along with the many layers each joke has. Giving just enough time for everyone to catch up, he then continues with each elaborate lie, anecdote, or quip to get the absolute most out of the material. Had the wrong comic been in control as the protagonist or didn’t take as much care with was written, a lot of great lines and jokes would have gone unnoticed, and the movie would have suffered as a result.

It’s just another testament as to why the casting of Martin worked so incredibly well. Keep this in mind on a rewatch, and you will notice it. When he speaks, there is a point, but there is also an under-the-radar joke within everything he says before or after he gets there verbally, and his comedic timing and delivery allows for the audience to pick up on each little joke. It’s an underrated aspect of Steve Martin’s performance. Despite it on the surface looking like Martin fooling around with little nuance in the titular role, it’s a fantastic comic performance in reality that deserves a lot more credit. Acting like he’s mixing up Hall’s wife for Sharon Stone and getting Tennyson off topic by asking him if he’s considered running for President and blaming the botching of the cannon fix on Einstein’s theory of space being curved and how they are dealing with smart weapons, Martin gets a laugh in every scene too. The best may have been his wing man routine with Wally though (“You were right. Those are the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen“).

The film also succeeds at utilizing its colorful ensemble cast. Dan Aykroyd is amusing as Col. Hall, who we are left to guess is either oblivious to Bilko’s exploits or just doesn’t want to be bothered with his shenanigans. He has moments like falling for Bilko’s lies about how his car somehow still isn’t fixed yet or is floored when Bilko notices he lost weight, but he also has moments where he takes Bilko aside to order him to make sure he does “whatever he does” to make things go away in an effort to make sure Thorn doesn’t find anything. He knows Bilko is always up to something and even warns Wally in the first act about Bilko ahead of time, but he also never says anything directly to Bilko, only implying that he knows more than we give him credit for. Still, he does like Bilko and even appreciates how he would fake cry anytime he would leave the base, admitting this to Thorn when they are trying to figure out Bilko’s punishment. The members of the platoon all have moments to shine as well, and they add to the family-like atmosphere of fun and games that Bilko has created for them, as they look up to Bilko like the genius that he is. It’s why the scene where they see Bilko start to crack under pressure legitimately worries them because he seemingly always has a plan. Even though they heard him crying once he got the transfer letter, the others argue that Bilko was just planning something. Paparelli tries to assure everyone that their fearless leader is fine because no one gets the best of Bilko. He reminds everyone when he got the letter that his wife wanted to break up with him. Instead of helping Paparelli get his wife back, Bilko got him another wife, “a better wife!”. Once Bilko enters, all the soldiers are happy to see him, and Bilko looks to be chipper. He has a plan, right? He begins to monologue about how he was a little boy who dreamed about running one of the most sophisticated illegal gaming operations the US Army has ever seen, but the powers that be are trying to snatch that way from him.

However, he begins to ramble, and it worries everyone, as he hysterically continues, “But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O. Of course, the first three are B-I-L, which is meaningless… but still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well, kind of, but no not really because there is no way I am going to Greenland! You’re wondering if I have a plan? Of course!”. In one the best visual gags of the movie outside of the platoon tricking Oster and Monday with their warehouse maneuvering to make it look like everything is in order or the two soldiers holding up Doberman to help him fake his pushups for Thorn, Bilko goes to write “PLAN” on the board as he speaks. Instead, he accidentally writes “PALN” because his brain is scrambled, prompting him to laugh anxiously before gabbing on about how he just needs a puppy to love him no matter what kind of person he is. Still, despite Bilko being the con artist that goes against anything the Army represents, the platoon looks up to him for what he’s done for them, which is why even the uptight Wally decides to step in to help because he knows they could prove Bilko didn’t divert the money from the research funds to his private account if the hover tank worked. Could he fix it? No, but “We don’t need to hold four aces if they think we’re holding four aces”. It may have taken him a while to come around, but even Wally can’t help but want to be a part of this platoon, as Bilko’s everyday adventures are too fun for anyone to want it to end. Just ask Rita.

The only person who sees through everything Bilko does and can’t stand him is Thorn, with Phil Hartman playing the villain role masterfully. Along with having the natural voice for a great comedic antagonist, Hartman brings it and his chemistry with the heavyweights he’s on screen with levels up the production as a whole. With that seething smile of his that is hiding his boiling rage beneath the surface, Thorn’s tireless work in getting revenge for his stay in Greenland is fun to watch, even if he is the foil to our beloved protagonist. Going along with this, Thorn nearly losing it on Hall on multiple occasions was an amusing element to the feature, especially when he wants Hall to come up with the idea of transferring Bilko on his own. He tries to give him a hint by just saying “Trans”, and Hall is confused and starts throwing out words like “Trans…atlantic” and “trans…vestite” to try and guess the answer until he finally gets there. Thorn tries to hold back his anger and tells him that a transfer is a good idea once Hall says it, and Hall just hilariously takes the credit commenting, “Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning”. Even though he’s the bad guy, Thorn still gets a lot of funny moments worth noting too like when he’s on his date with Rita and tells her to hold onto him if any of it is frightening to her. She points out how it’s just the pre-movie commercials of the dancing Raisinettes to which he asks, “And you don’t find that frightening?”. His blow-up at the hover tank demonstration was great too, as was the layered sabotage ploy that Bilko’s platoon cooks up on Wally’s back. On a side note, Thorn did dodge that question about why he smells the cork from the wine bottle though. What was that about?

Considering who they have associated with over the spans of their lengthy careers, it’s crazy to think that this is the only movie Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd were in together. Just the scene where Bilko influences and tricks Hall into agreeing to not send him to Greenland if the hover tank works and preparing a contract ahead of time for Hall to sign to confirm the agreement is enough for us to want more. Bilko notarizing it on the spot and then waiving his $10 fee to imply that he’s done this numerous times before to Hall was gold, especially when he hands a smiling Hall a lollipop to metaphorically call him a sucker. This is the type of hilarity these two can bring to a movie in spades. It’s quite bizarre that they weren’t in more projects together.

Sgt. Bilko is a clean Army comedy that makes audiences think it’s spinning wildly in different directions in search of comedic inspiration and chaos, but the surprising reveal is that it’s actually carefully constructed from top to bottom. By the time the credits roll, everything is tied together comedically and from a story perspective. Led by a phenomenal Steve Martin, the movie is excellently cast, hilarious, outrageously entertaining, simple, and possesses a quality about it that should make it just as popular in repeat viewings, as there is always something new to like about the movie in a rewatch. It gives Stripes a run for its money.

They even finish with the laugh-out-loud final note of “The filmmakers gratefully acknowledge the total lack of cooperation from the US Army”.

Basically, if we had more movies and talent like the cast and crew of Sgt. Bilko, comedy on film wouldn’t be in the state that it’s in today.

Fun Fact: Albert Brooks and Michael Keaton turned down the role of Sgt. Bilko. Robin Williams and Billy Crystal were very interested in the role as well, but Martin took it first. To be fair, this movie would’ve been great if Williams, Crystal, or Martin had the lead role.