Trapped in Paradise (1994)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey, Richard Jenkins, Donald Moffat, John Ashton, and Florence Stanley
Grade: F

With Jon Lovitz starring in City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, this film, and North all in 1994, he was on a generational run of ass. He literally pulled off the reverse Jim Carrey in the same year.

Incredible.

Summary

On a busy sidewalk in New York City during Christmas time, someone drops a wallet. It gets kicked around, and no one notices it until Bill Firpo (Cage) finds it on a set of stairs. He finds over $800 inside and considers taking it, though the pictures of the man’s family inside of the wallet make him reconsider things. Right after, Bill goes to confession. He states it’s been two weeks since his last confession, but the priest realizes who he’s talking to and reminds Bill that it’s actually been five years since his last confession. Bill brings up the wallet he found and does say he did the right eventually by dropping it in the mail. However, he did so with great difficulty. He feels that something bad is going to happen out of this transgression. Hearing this, the priest asks how many letters the word “transgression” has because he’s doing a crossword puzzle, unbeknownst to Bill. After reiterating that he mailed the wallet back, Bill comes to the realization that he’s not much different than his two brothers Dave (Lovitz) and Alvin (Carvey) and can easily be led astray. With Bill bringing up his brothers, the priest notes how they might be coming home for the holidays, as the newspaper mentions how the judge has granted early release for some prisoners due to overcrowding. Bill doesn’t believe him because they aren’t up for parole until March, but the priest reads from the article that anyone eligible for parole through June is being considered for early release. Anxious, Bill steps out of the confessional and knocks on the door of the priest’s confessional to get him to pop out with the newspaper so he can read it. Everyone sitting in the pews look over at them confused, but Bill doesn’t care. He just snatches the paper from the priest to read it.

At the prison, Dave and Alvin are meeting with the parole board to try to convince them they are ready to be released. Dave relates their situation to the dinosaurs in an outlandish attempt to explain who they are and how they are completely reformed and will never return. The head of the hearing details how the prison psychiatry board has deemed Dave himself as being completely incapable of telling the truth. Dave responds by saying this is a lie. The head of the hearing also states that Alvin has been labeled a kleptomaniac. For a moment, Alvin becomes entranced by an expensive pin the man has on before he talks about how stealing and robbing is wrong. Somehow, this works and they are released. On the way out the door, they give a friendly goodbye to a couple of guards they’re cool with like Smiley, and Dave even gives Smiley some money before he walks out. Once the two brothers exit, they find Bill waiting for them. Immediately, Bill tells Dave that whatever it is that he wants Bill to do, the answer is no. Alvin asks if this applies to him too, but it doesn’t. However, his continued pestering of Bill almost makes it a problem. Bill drives them to go see their mother, and he sees that nothing has changed with them, with Dave still giving him shit and Alvin laughing at everything Dave has to say. In addition, Alvin shows Dave that he managed to steal the man’s pin from the parole hearing. Just then, Dave asks if Bill can drive them to Pennsylvania because a friend from prison on his deathbed apparently asked him to do a favor for him. To prove it, he pulls a letter out from the guy that Dave is sure will make Bill cry. Bill grabs it and throws it right out the window. Dave saw this coming and says he has a backup. Bill reminds the two they are on parole, so they can’t leave the state. He sees them as under his custody. Alvin makes a request for Ring Dings and milk. Bill notes how childish this is but relents after Dave criticizes him. They stop at a convenience store while Bill waits outside. It doesn’t take long for Alvin to steal money from the register, and Bill sees it from outside, prompting him to run in. He stops Alvin and takes it all out of his coat just as the cashier comes to the front to see what’s happening.

She doesn’t know what’s happening and assumes all three are stealing, so she runs outside to tell the cops who just pulled up to the sidewalk for an unrelated incident. They are rushed out of the store at the same time, and the cops unholster their guns because Bill had his hand in his coat and it looks like he’s reaching for a gun. A chase ensues as the three brothers run to get out of there, and Bill tackles Dave and Alvin into a bunch of garbage in the alley. He throws them up against the wall just as one cop approaches, and Bill comes up with a lie on the spot about how he’s an off-duty cop from Queens named “Sgt. Digman”. He demands to know the rookie’s name and talks about how he’s got the mayor on his ass because of punks like this random cop named “Birdie”. He flips out on Birdie and tells him to get the car to grab Dave and Alvin from him. Birdie runs out of there to get the car, which allows the three brothers to escape. Following this, they have dinner with their mother Edna (Stanley) at her apartment. She talks about how she misses the old days when they would watch movies together on their VCRs and big screen TVs. Bill implies Dave and Alvin stole them and robbed some car wash, but she doesn’t believe Bill. Dave also adds they were at the park all day and Alvin is sure they didn’t have any evidence on them, though he concedes they had their fingerprints. Edna finds the letter Dave had in his coat and reads it aloud. It speaks of this man Vic Mazzucci (Vic Manni) from prison not seeing his daughter Sarah in five years, how she refuses to visit him, and how he can’t go another Christmas without seeing her. Vic’s request is for them to look her up in Paradise, Pennsylvania and beg her to come see him. He knows Dave and Alvin aren’t supposed to leave the state, but he demands it on account of them owing him. If they don’t, he’ll find a way out of prison to take them both out. The letter brings Edna to tears, but Bill doesn’t buy it nor does he care. Though he can’t find his wallet, he heads out for work. He’s a manager of a restaurant. Interacting with some customers, Dave appears and interrupts him, so Bill takes him aside to yell at him for showing up to his work.

Dave bypasses this and tells him that Bill left his wallet at the crime scene in the Bronx, and the cops are headed their way. Dave and Alvin borrowed a car and are there to get Bill out of there, so he goes with.

The next morning is Christmas Eve, and the three are in New Jersey. Dave uses the payphone which is in earshot of Bill and Alvin, and he calls home. Apparently, Edna tells them to stay out of New York all together. He hangs up and gives Bill a newspaper as a gift to take his mind off things, though Alvin immediately grabs it from Bill. Dave tells Bill that the cops are at the house, so he suggests they go to Pennsylvania to pull off the favor for Vic. Bill still wants to go home, but Dave suggests they go through with this good karma of a favor, so it comes back to them in some way. Bill doesn’t believe anything Dave is saying and suggests this is another one of his elaborate schemes. Dave pleads ignorance as Bill flips out, and he refuses to admit anything. Bill relents, and they head to Paradise, Pennsylvania. Upon entering the city, Bill tells the two he wants to be as inconspicuous as possible. Just as he finishes saying it, Alvin almost crashes into mentally handicapped cop Timmy (Paul Lazar) riding a horse across the street. The horse stands on its hind legs in a panic, and Timmy hits the ground in front of the townsfolk. Everyone comes over to them, as Bill exits the car angrily over what has transpired. Alvin apologizes to Timmy’s father Chief Bernie Burnell (Sean McCann), who takes them aside to explain how Timmy is slow and it’s a “no harm no foul” type of situation. Father Gorenzel (Gerard Parkes) walks over to see if everything is fine, and Bernie confirms. Then, Bernie calms down the crowd and tells everyone to go back to what they’re doing, and there are no issues. He then asks Bill, Dave, and Alvin if they are in town for Winterfest. Bill says they are, along with wanting to see a Sarah Mazzucci. Bernie isn’t sure of anyone in town by that name. He only knows of a Sarah Collins (Mädchen Amick), who works at the town bank right across from them. Bill can smell a Dave scheme from a mile away. Bernie departs in a friendly manner. Dave wants to go to the bank to meet this Sarah because it could be the same one. She may have just gotten married and changed her name. In the bank, Alvin wanders around and steals a bunch of candy canes, a bigger one out of a lady’s coat that contains chocolate, a bunch of pens, and ornaments from the Christmas tree inside.

At the same time, Bill can’t help but notice the old, sleeping guard sitting in a chair and the only security camera by the door being unplugged. Dave smiles seeing Bill noticing these details. Once Alvin takes the edible gingerbread ornament from the tree and eats it, Sarah stops him because these are for the children. She then notes how the sign by the pens was for the customers to take a pen, not all of them. She forces Alvin to give them all back. Bank President Clifford Anderson (Moffat) notices all the pens are gone just as Sarah gets them back from Alvin, and she hands them over to Clifford. He laughs it off and rhetorically asks if Alvin is a new customer. Hearing her name from across the room, Bill walks over to introduce himself and lightly flirts with her. He apologizes on behalf of Alvin and tells Sarah that Alvin is mentally handicapped, prompting Dave to cut in and say Alvin is a diabetic and they were afraid he was going into insulin shock. Dave adds that he was the one who told Alvin to find “something sweet”. Weirded out at this point, Sarah goes back to work. Dave points out the “classic architecture” of the building to try and influence Bill to look at the faults of the bank more, but he knows what Dave is doing and doesn’t want to buy in. In fact, he refuses to, no matter how good the situation of the bank looks. Plus, there’s no money in the vault. Just as he says this, cops walk in with $275,000 in cash to hand over to Clifford to deposit, and the two overhear them. Dave smiles as Bill starts coughing on his cigarette at the thought. Bill rushes outside, so Dave follows and calls for Alvin. Alvin steals a candy cane off the old guard while he leaves to follow them. While eating the candy cane, Alvin drives them out of town, and Bill wants them to get out quick. Alvin asks what’s wrong, and Bill can’t help but admit that he would rob that bank if he had a gun on him at that moment. Dave notes how there are guns in the trunk of the car, so Bill forces Alvin to pull over. He demands they get out of the car, and Dave pleads ignorance again and questions what the problem is.

Alvin says they got them from “Fast Eddie” since they borrowed the car from him and he owns a gun shop on Morris Park Avenue. Annoyed, Bill opens the trunk and sees a load of guns all ready, as it clearly was all a part of Dave and Alvin’s plan. Still, Bill is now scratching the itch, so they go to a local convenience store and start grabbing things for the robbery.

While Alvin opens a cereal box, snatches a toy from it, and makes a mess in doing so, Bill tries on some gaudy sunglasses. He goes over to Alvin to stop him from stealing stuff once he sees what he’s doing because it could lead to them getting in trouble before they even attempt the robbery. He takes a load of stuff from Alvin’s coat and walks back over to Dave. He gets further annoyed by stepping directly onto the cereal Alvin spilled on the ground. At checkout, cashier Ed (Ashton) and his co-worker who is a step slower in Clovis (John Bergantine) are behind the counter. Ed checks them out and asks if they are in town for Winterfest, but Bill says they are just passing through. Sometime after, Bill, Dave, and Alvin drive up to the bank. Before they leave the car, Bill tells Alvin not to turn off the car because they won’t have time to hotwire it again. However, Alvin is confident he can handle his side of things. Putting on their disguises, Bill and Dave run into the bank with their guns and begin the robbery. Clifford’s wife Hattie (Angela Paton) calmly tries to stop them by saying this isn’t the right thing to do on Christmas Eve, how this could ruin Winterfest, and the bank vault is locked. Additionally, Clifford is the only one with a key, and he’s out to lunch. She says it might take him around 45 minutes to come back. Not seeing much of a choice since things are already in progress, Bill takes Hattie at gunpoint to find Clifford while Dave stays back with the rest of the customers and workers at the bank. Hattie points out that Clifford is at the coffee shop across the street, so Bill kicks the car to get Alvin’s attention to come with him. Entering the shop, Bill tries to be discreet at first but gets annoyed because of everyone being in close quarters, leading to him yelling at them about this all being a robbery. The manager goes to get money, but he stops her because he’s robbing the bank. She tries to point out how it’s across the street. Bill explains that he knows this and lets everyone know he’s grabbing Clifford from his table to unlock the vault. At the same time, Alvin has some random guy hold his gun just so he can eat some of the food of the guy’s plate.

Meanwhile, Dave is having the customers sing songs and he makes fun of the old security guard who is still somehow asleep. Back at the coffee shop, Bill tries to lead Clifford and Hattie out, but Alvin notes how everyone in the coffee shop will call the cops on them if they are left there. Knowing he’s right, Bill decides to take everyone out of the coffee shop as more hostages and leads them all into the bank. Bill has Clifford open the vault and then sends him over to stand by Hattie. While Dave controls the crowd, Bill uses a spray to see if there are laser alarms, and there are. Stepping over them safely, Bill enters the vault and grabs the money. On the way out however, he trips the alarm. The two run out to the car, but Alvin inexplicably hits the gas as soon as they exit the bank because he’s practicing what he would say to a cop if they were to show up. He stops in the middle of the road, and it causes several traffic accidents behind him. Bill and Dave run to the car, but Alvin drives off as soon as they get to the door because of the traffic scene. Bill and Dave run along the back roads to find Alvin, and he drives past them again until he finally stops. The three escape to a forest area and ditch their disguises and such. Bill realizes he still has the keys to the vault on him, but they all just laugh. In prison, all the prisoners are having their lunch, and an inmate asks Vic to tell the story about the bank he robbed. He’s told it plenty before, but they insist he retell the story. He talks about how easy it was to steal from this bank, and he’s referring to the same one that Bill, Dave, and Alvin just robbed. Another inmate doesn’t think it’s a good idea to mention this stuff out loud, but another doesn’t think anyone would dare double cross Vic. They all laugh, but an older inmate approaches Vic and tells him that the bank he robbed and would talk about all the time in Paradise got robbed. The inmates discuss how Vic’s daughter Sarah works there and how the Firpo brothers may have been responsible. Vic is incensed thinking about Dave and Alvin and flips out. In Paradise, FBI Agent Peyser (Jenkins) is brought in to take a look at the case, and he gets to work right away on setting things up. He details how he wants agents at every roadblock because he doesn’t trust the local cops and he doesn’t care what anyone’s story is. Everyone is a suspect.

Peyser is introduced to Bernie and Timmy right after, and they walk and talk as the agents set up shop in an elementary school gym. Bernie isn’t sure if the robbers were locals or outsiders, but he just can’t believe someone from town would do such a thing. Peyser asks if there were any suspicious characters recently, but what complicates things is the town’s famed Winterfest, as they get a lot of tourists for it. Nevertheless, Bernie does let Peyser know there were three guys in town this morning he never saw before that almost ran over Timmy. He also remembers them driving an Infinity and has already set out an APB on the car. Peyser mentions how quickly the snow came down, so there’s a chance they can still nab the robbers as it may have slowed them down, especially if they’re headed north. Meanwhile, Alvin tells Dave they’re headed north, but Bill thinks they have already passed the farmhouse they are seeing on the side of the road. Alvin says he was following the map and mentions how he took four lefts, but that just means he went into a circle. Bill starts flipping out as Dave laughs, but things get serious when a cop drives by them going the opposite way. Next, the cop stops, turns around, turns on the lights, and starts chasing them. Alvin starts speeding but slides off the road and off a bridge. The car flips and they crash upside down. Miraculously, they are okay. Dick (Sean O’Bryan) sees them from the bridge and makes sure they’re good and offers to give them a ride. Unfortunately, all the roads to the interstate are closed, so they are stuck in town for the time being. Either way, they accept the ride from Dick because they can’t really do anything else. In the car, Dick jokes about how they are probably going to end up singing at his aunt and uncle’s house once they get there, so he tries to get them in the mood by singing Christmas carols. They join in, but Bill is pissed once he sees the sign that says they are in Paradise, Pennsylvania once again. Dick takes them to the house and knocks on the door. To their shock, it’s Clifford’s home. Dick is their nephew. At the same time, Ed and Clovis drive by and recognize Bill, Dave, and Alvin from their store earlier. The two know the brothers had something to do with the bank. They are deputized too, so this further complicates things.

Upon entering the home, the brothers get reintroduced to Hattie, and Dave refuses Clifford’s offer to help with his bag since the money is in it. Clifford mentions how he recognizes them from the bank this morning, but he knows they are good because he saw them interacting with Sarah. He also lets them know the bank was robbed, and the three act sorrowful over the situation like they had no idea. Clifford refers to Sarah as “Sarah Upstairs”, prompting Bill to ask why. It turns out that Sarah rents a room from them upstairs and has done so for a couple of years. While Alvin steals an ornament off the Christmas tree, Hattie invites them to take a load off. Dick mentions that he offered to get them a change of clothes, so Hattie gestures to Clifford who gives them the wrapped Christmas presents Hattie was going to give to Clifford, as they are all clothes. Hattie notices Alvin’s lip is bleeding, so she takes him into the kitchen for ointment, and everyone disperses. Sarah comes downstairs and her and Bill start talking. She wonders how he found himself there, but he walks around it and points out the three-legged dog in the house staring at him. Sarah explains he was a stray that got hit by a truck, and they took him in. His name is Tripod. She invites him to change and get warm and rejoins everyone else at the table as they are setting up dinner. Dave catches the news on the TV while he stands there and sees the news report of a prison break at the Long Island State Prison in New York. Apparently, two inmates took advantage of what is being called the worst blizzard in 17 years, overpowering three guards and hijacking a laundry truck. Once the picture of Vic is displayed on the TV, Dave stands in front of the TV when Bill walks over and awkwardly starts caroling, which leads to the family joining in. Bill is getting angry with Dave’s behavior, but Dave acts like he just has the Christmas spirit. He gets permission from Hattie to use the phone to call Edna, and he brings over Bill as he does so. He gets a hold of Edna, but Vic takes the phone from her immediately and screams at Dave to get him his money or he’ll throw Edna out of the window. Dave denies robbing the bank and also lies to Bill and just says that Edna is mad at him.

Vic knows Dave went to Pennsylvania because Edna said so, and he calls him dumb for getting snowed in. Dave gets mad at this comment, but he says once the roads clear they will come to him. Vic says they won’t hurt Edna, as long as they do the right thing.

It’s hard to say how the Firpo brothers will get out of this one.

My Thoughts:

With a star-studded trio leading this Christmas film, Trapped in Paradise looks to be like a hell of a lot of fun. How can someone go wrong combining the anarchic Nicolas Cage with two comedy superstars in Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey? The casting and general idea is almost like a discarded script for a modern Three Stooges movie, which is a good thing. With this expectation in mind going into the viewing of the film, it keeps you engaged because you’re waiting for the movie to get to that level of chaotic fun. Unfortunately, it never gets there, not even close. Trapped in Paradise finds a way to fail at every turn. Missing out on the surefire, madcap hilarity with its premise and talented cast, while also missing out on the heartfelt “Christmas spirit” side of things, George Gallo’s crime comedy is a complete dud.

Trying to do a New York accent on and off and then mixing it with something else entirely given the scene, Nicolas Cage’s Bill Firpo is the star of the show, but we’re not sure what to think of him. The character is too wishy-washy in his arc and his interactions that we don’t know if we’re supposed to feel bad for him, wish him well, if he should kick his two brothers’ asses, or if he should kick his own ass. We don’t hate him, but we don’t like him all that much either. Bill is all over the place. The wallet sequence to open the movie shows he has problems with stealing because of his struggle with trying to not take the money. That makes sense, and him going to confession over it makes him look sympathetic, but it ends here. He didn’t actually take the money, so what’s the point of the visit? He hasn’t been to confession in five years, and this one temptation is enough for him to finally come to church? What are we getting at? This would make sense if he was some goody two-shoes type of character who does nothing wrong and felt like this one temptation almost flipped him, but Bill never comes off as such. If Bill had one friend to give him advice instead, that would make a lot more sense for where the character is at mentally because he’s not a religious person and the church visit doesn’t coincide with the action of the opening. It’s such a dramatic response for something that didn’t seem like all that big of a deal. In hindsight, it seems as if this church sequence was only included just so they could do the gag of the priest doing the crossword puzzle and how it leads to him reading the newspaper headline of the prisoners being released. Even so, it’s not funny enough to warrant its inclusion and doesn’t fit with the character or what’s going on in general.

Clearly, Bill has this underlying energy to him that he’s fighting, highlighted by his constant smoking. What is his backstory though? Has he had plenty of instances before doing criminal things? This would make the character more interesting and give him some depth, but we don’t know for sure what his deal is. It’s kind of implied that Bill has some experience, which is why Dave wants to get him in on the bank robbery idea and why Bill looks to be the sharpest of the three during the sequence. However, more needs to be said about what he’s done in his past for us to understand Bill more on this end. Has he tried to escape this part of his life and shuns any idea related to his criminal past? It would make sense of the church thing, but that’s obviously not the answer because he hasn’t been there in five years. Some of this stuff needs insight, especially with a main character like Bill. It was probably told to Nicolas Cage himself so he could accurately portray the character in this manner, but the viewer is not let in on any of this backstory really. All of what I’m analyzing is based off assumption. Had they gone on about his regret or a previous experience with Dave and Alvin robbing someone or something, it would explain why Bill does such a good job leading the bank robbery. However, he regularly criticizes Dave and Alvin for robbery and being in prison in the first act, as if he has never dealt with anything like it before and he’s the “good” brother. So, if they are the criminals and he’s never done anything like that, why is he suddenly leading the charge to rob the bank in Paradise? How is he able to think that quickly by acting like he’s an undercover cop arresting his brothers when the cop tries to get all three of them in the Bronx in the first act? We have no clue. We can assume things, but that’s it. Even in the many conversations the brothers have with each other in private where they could reveal more about their relationship, their hangups, what has happened between them before Dave and Alvin went to prison, or how Bill has responded in life in spite of their actions, we are given zero information.

Other than the bank robbery itself which was eventful and should have been funny but didn’t garner a single laugh for some reason, the biggest letdown was Dana Carvey. His work in sketch comedy and playing one-off characters to liven said sketches are noted, but it doesn’t translate to film. This is why he missed out on a bigger career in movies because he underestimated how likable he can be as a normal funny guy. When he should have been making more movies like Clean Slate, he kept insisting on doing things like The Master of Disguise. Sure, he has the talent to play a million characters, but that’s not the point. Carvey can be himself and still be entertaining. He doesn’t always need to do outlandish character work. This was never more apparent than in Trapped in Paradise. Handicapping him with this goofy, bumbling, third wheel character of this brother trio with an odd voice made the Alvin character a caricature of a real human being. Instead of just vibing with fellow Saturday Night Live alum and real-life friend Jon Lovitz, they handcuff him with this doofus character, and it never rises above the water. The only time where he’s remotely interesting is when he gets real with Bill in the diner scene and agrees they should give the money back to the town of Paradise. Then, he admits how Bill was never a wanted man in New York, and they lied to get him to come with. In just that one moment of seriousness, it’s almost as if the character breaks to show an inkling of Carvey, and we see the potential for what could have been. By itself however, the character never clicks. The kleptomaniac characterization gives him something to do in scenes where he isn’t the focus, but it doesn’t amount to anything substantial or humorous for that matter. In addition, he just does dumb stuff like rambling about food constantly and dumping a bunch of gravy on a plate like we’re supposed to think it’s hilarious or something.

I still have no idea why he drove off three times during the bank robbery. There was literally no logical reason for the character to do that. He wasn’t even in a panic. It’s played like that at first, but him doing it twice more was just nonsensical.

What’s more annoying is that the less likable Lovitz gets the bigger part. Though he fits the liar character of Dave, as it’s the only gimmick Lovitz can play convincingly, he’s not funnier nor is he a better actor than Carvey in any fashion. Casting the three together isn’t a bad idea, but they needed to write it around who the actors themselves are. They had a much better shot at actually making this movie funny by giving Carvey and Lovitz free reign to play off each other through improvisation and messing around instead of trying to write jokes for these unfunny characters with no wiggle room. With less of a leash attached, I guarantee you that those two could have conjured up some semblance of entertaining dialogue or character quirks than what the final product gave us. The first red flag was the parole hearing scene where the audience is introduced to Dave and Alvin. Though we understand who they are as people, what should have been a tone-setter for the ridiculous comedy that is about to ensue instead came off as an unfunny and illogical back-and-forth that was a means to an end. Lovitz’s Dave is yet another version of his SNL character “Tommy Flanagan, The Pathological Liar” that has been milked dry by Lovitz to where he doesn’t get a single laugh the entire runtime of the movie, and Alvin is a clear-cut liar too. Even with this being a comedy movie not meant to be taken too seriously, there is not a single joke or line in this scene that could convince anyone with half a brain that these two assclowns should be released from prison. One guy is known to lie and is obviously lying because Lovitz always plays the gimmick that way, and Alvin practically reveals to the parole board that they are saying whatever they want to hear to be released, adding that they are up for parole and how the board should “connect the dots”. How does this convince them to let Dave and Alvin walk out that day? If the prison is overcrowded, the parole board has no incentive to let these two liars go. They could just pick two other guys who are somewhat normal and didn’t try to insult their intelligence.

It’s just stupid.

Trapped in Paradise is unique in its failure because there are so many scenarios they come up with that SHOULD be funny, but they just stop there. All the biggest comedic moments are underwritten or total misfires. The aforementioned bank robbery leading Bill to have to go to a diner across the street to grab Clifford as a hostage, and then subsequently having to take everyone in the diner to the bank to increase the hostage count so they don’t call the cops, is a good idea. However, they don’t do anything with it. Dave wasting time with the bank hostages while they wait is a botch, and Alvin is almost completely useless as someone to play off of. They almost get back on the path by increasing the awkwardness of it all by keeping the stars in the town because of the snow, making sense of the movie’s title, and placing them directly in Clifford’s home where it turns out he’s a really good dude, making the three brothers feel bad for robbing the town of their money which will lead to a mainstream bank taking over. Nevertheless, all the scenes in the house that should increase the awkward humor never hit the mark. Ed and Clovis guessing correctly that the three brothers robbed the bank and trying to steal from them should be amusing somewhat since they’re a couple of doofus hillbillies, but they’re too aggressive to be funny and don’t garner a single laugh in their private conversations either (“Spill on aisle three”). Despite all of this, they get another golden opportunity with Edna being Vic and his partner Caesar’s prisoner as they head to Paradise to find the three brothers. Edna’s role becomes the annoying but fearless passenger who trash talks these mob guys (“Are we sleeping together? I think not. You call me Mrs. Firpo goddammit!”). Sadly, we’ve seen this same concept of the annoying passenger done better a thousand times in a thousand different movies. We should be pissed off by the time they put Edna in the trunk to get her to shut up, but we just shrug it off instead because it’s nowhere near as entertaining as it should be. Alvin commandeering a sleigh should work considering the Christmas theme, but who the hell is buying this idiot somehow outrunning several cop cars in a chase sequence?

One of the “funny” moments is when Edna makes fun of Vic for his whiny letter that led to the brothers going to Paradise in the first place, prompting Vic to say he never wrote a letter. This is supposed to be a big reveal of a punchline to make Bill mad at Dave even more than he already is for being a liar but since Lovitz’s acting is as subtle as a party clown when trying to act as if his letter was sincere, the viewer can see the joke coming from the moment they set it up in the first act (“It just never ends with you”). Additionally, it’s kind of a moot point at that juncture anyway considering the gravity of the situation. Maybe it’s all by design to give further evidence of Bill not being able to notice subtilties like this in general (though that would be giving this screenplay too much credit). Another example of this is Sarah correctly guessing the brothers robbed the bank and being rather obvious of her uncomfortableness with her passive aggressive responses to the three, with Bill literally having no idea what her problem was for most of the second act.

Even moments of seriousness fail like the brothers stealing a boat and paddling through the icy waters to escape the town. It’s filmed great, but then you have the boat BARELY hit a branch and apparently that’s enough force for Alvin to somehow fall into the water. It should be a crazy action sequence, but the handling of it was too unbelievable for the viewer to take it seriously. Alvin nearly dying in what should look like freezing cold water somehow didn’t look as frigid as it needed to be either. If anything, the water looked colder in the near drowning action sequence in City Slickers. In the scene right after, Cage tries to save it by looking emotional when CPR is administered on Alvin, but it just makes you realize that he’s too good of an actor for this. The hostage scene at the Anderson house in the third act tries to straddle the line between intense, serious, emotional, and funny and misses it all by a country mile. Strangely enough, they fail at the heartfelt side of things too. They have the Christmas sweaters, Donald Moffat’s bank manager character and his overly sweet, hospitable family, and the loving community that is Paradise, but something about it is insincere. They try too hard with it and the connection is lost. The only real time it’s felt is when Bill doesn’t have money for the bus tickets to Philadelphia because he can’t reach into the duffel bag to grab cash since the cops are in the building. Hearing that he’s going to see his mother, the sweetheart of a cashier pays the rest of his bill and earnestly says to him, “You’re lucky you’re in Paradise. Merry Christmas, sir”. That felt more authentic than everything the overly sentimental stuff the Anderson family did.

They did tie things together from a writing standpoint with the “all roads are open” sign mirroring Bill’s conversation with Sarah about redemption being possible in her eyes, but there wasn’t enough given between the two to warrant such an ending. Other than the character being conventionally attractive, where is this heartfelt, undeniable connection Bill is having with Sarah? Are we missing something? Why does she fall for him, especially knowing what he’s up to? There’s not enough seen or felt between the characters to where this romantic angle fits the story. The screenplay has no idea to what to do with these two. In one of the very few conversations they have, they talk by a grave for Clifford’s great grandfather. After a vague comment about how short life is, Bill tries to move in for a kiss, and she’s weirded out, tells Bill that he doesn’t know her, and she walks away. He just says sorry and then looks at the statue, with Cage searching for an emotional moment that isn’t there. What even is this interaction? It’s just nothing mixed with a side of confusion! From a cinematic standpoint, it’s a cool moment to put the money on the priest’s front porch, but they only come to this conclusion because the vault door of the bank is locked once they break back into the bank. Why don’t they just leave the money in the fucking bank then? Why should it matter that the vault is lock? Who cares? They could have left the same note from “The Three Wise Men” and everything if they just left the money behind the counter or put it in the break room or something. Since apparently everyone in Paradise are the nicest people on planet Earth, the money would have been seen, recovered, and put back into the vault the next day the bank opened. Why do they freak out as if they can’t just leave the money there in the room?

Other than Bill flipping the table on Dave and Alvin and telling the waitress to put it on their tab on the way out the door, the lone bright spot was Richard Jenkins as Agent Peyser. They don’t give him too much, but he’s able to make every second of his screentime count by embodying his personality of this annoyed agent who has to work on Christmas Eve in this cartoonish town. I loved the little quirks he adds like having him use his mouth to take his glove off so he can hold his gun with a bare hand, or how intense he gets while on the job. He really wakes the viewer up with his conviction, humor, and how normal he is compared to everyone else in the movie and reacting as such. Peyser’s natural instinct to not trust Ed and Clovis was a fun development (“You know, every time there’s a problem, those two idiots show up.”), and that stakeout where they note how Ed’s vanity plates say “DUH” and he jokes with the other agents in the car about it was amusing (“What kind of license plates do you have? – DUUHH”). It added a lot to the small supporting character that actually stole the show from the main cast outright. Trapped in Paradise‘s main takeaway is making us realize how underutilized Richard Jenkins is as an actor. He nails the “Break of a lifetime” warning speech to the three brothers at the end of the movie, and in a movie with such stars, he gets arguably the ONLY legitimate laugh when they raid the Anderson house and he asks one of his fellow agents, “We didn’t do that, did we?” when seeing three-legged dog Tripod.

I’ll give credit to Cage for the other one when he tries to hitchhike back to Paradise with the money and the trucker tells him that he’s headed to New York, prompting an annoyed Bill to say rhetorically, “Where were you five hours ago?”.

There are countless better comedies, countless better Christmas movies, and countless better Christmas-themed comedies. Hell, there are countless better crime or heist movies. As much as we love who got cast in this movie, Trapped in Paradise is a total skip. Considering the talent involved, there are no excuses for what this final product was.